LikeALookingMonkey

Store hours

2009-12-23T11:35:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I worked from 7pm til 1am and tonight I'm on from 5 to 1. My store is open until midnight every night this week, but thankfully most people don't know that. So around 10 customers stop showing up and the store gets nice and quiet.

I work in the juniors department. Some of the clothing we have is absolutely awful. Shirts with built-in necklaces. Purple zebra striped jackets with gold trim. We've got a young professionals section that would make you question what profession these girls are working.

I started working last Wednesday. Thankfully, I'm getting plenty of hours. I should have about 61 on my paycheck. Basically I clock in, go to my department and start picking up messes. I don't stop cleaning until around 1 in the morning. Sometimes people ask for my advice, "Does this faux business top look good with these distressed jeans with the manufactured wrinkles?"

There are customers who want you to be their personal shopper. Any other time of the year, I'd be fine with that. But when my department is such a wreck...jeans scattered everywhere, purple zebra shirts all over the floor, I just can't run around to find your granddaughter the perfect green sweater. Especially when everything I bring you she either has or you don't like.

The sales are really good, but if you have any more shopping to do I recommend taking advantage of the extended hours. Shop from about 8pm to midnight. The stores will be cleaner and less crowded!

3 days til Christmas

2009-12-22T11:37:00.003-05:00

This will have to be a pretty short post. I still have lots of Christmas presents to buy, and lights to hang and gifts to wrap!

I started my new job on Wednesday and yesterday was my first day off. Tonight I'm working from 7pm until 1am. But I'll write more about the job later.

Yesterday I went shopping with David and of course all the stores were *packed* we went to 8 different stores looking for the perfect gift for someone in particular. Then we made use of our store discounts, mine at Penney's and his at Best Buy. We had dinner at Logan's steakhouse (at the loop) and watched a mini fight break out between the hostess and one of the waitresses...thankfully they took it to the back so that after a while we couldn't hear them anymore. I was sat facing the kitchen so all of their animated physical gestures towards each other made it a bit like dinner theater! :)

I left a note on the back of the check that said something like, "Your hostess is scary. She and the blonde girl with the santa hat got into a fight at the door. We are afraid of her. However you (our waiter) seem very nice." David added that he liked the guy's goatee and that the food was tasty.

After that drama we went back to the stores for a bit, and then when everything was finished David took me back to his house to pick up his Christmas present to me. He ran inside and brought out a huge beautiful wooden box with my name engraved in the front. He told me to promise not to open it until Christmas! The suspense is killing me. It would be so easy to open, just flip the metal latch on the front...sneak a peek and close it back up....but I promised him that I'd leave it til Christmas.

So now I have to rush to get out of the house and finish my Christmas errands. I hope that everyone reading this is having a wonderful Christmas season!

I somehow find you and I collide

2009-12-15T18:48:00.002-05:00

The other day David and I were walking around in a shopping center together and he put his arm around my waist and moved himself to my right side--the side closest to the road. I was so astonished that my jaw nearly hit the ground. He mentioned that when he was younger his mom taught him to walk this way with his sister.

Recently, he took a bag from me and commented on how I'm always carrying purses and things and that I should really let him carry stuff for me. ^_^

And as if that's not enough, he has even been opening doors for me.

Is it silly that all that is important to me? It's simple stuff but it absolutely makes me feel like I've picked a wonderful guy. All of the sudden, that boyfriend of mine is becoming the man I want for a husband. It's amazing to watch.

Being engaged is nothing like I expected. I keep commenting on how it's going to get easier, but I don't think that's the case.

Last night David and I went to dinner and a bookstore. While flipping through a book on childbirth, for the first time I saw these women and thought, "One day in the foreseeable future, that will be us." I've always wanted kids. David wants kids. We've gone through baby naming books together and talked about raising a family. Yet for the first time, I saw these women in tremendous amounts of pain and realized that the path we're on leads to this.

It's not going to get easier. It's going to get much, much harder. Where we are right now...this is the easy part.

Right now all our work and money can be spent on ourselves. We're saving up to throw a big party for us! We're going to buy cars and a house and all sorts of things for us. But then sometime not too far away, something else--- someone else, will be at the center of our world. We'll go from being completely selfish to completely selfless.

Looking at the pictures in the book brought this to a whole new level of seriousness. I guess that's the bottom line. Being engaged is serious. Extremely serious.

Tomorrow morning I'm starting a new job. I'm not really excited about it at all. But it's something that I want to do because every hour that passes where I'm not earning money or helping us move closer to our goals is a wasted hour. It is time that I will never get back. I know that David feels the same way. We both are putting everything we've got into this.

I think the trick is being able to love and enjoy the company of your partner even when life is incredibly stressful. Since getting engaged, we are working harder than ever and have been seeing less of each other. At first I thought this was going to be miserable. Now I see that it just makes our time together more valued.

The truth is, as scared as I am, and I am really scared of all the mountains in front of us, I cannot imagine going through all this with anyone else.

I want David at my side when I'm sweaty and gross and in lots of pain. I want him holding my hand when I'm scared. I want him to stand on the side closest to the road and make me feel protected and loved. That is the part that makes it all easier.

Sleepy bits and pieces

2009-12-13T10:13:00.004-05:00

Lately I've been relying on coffee a lot. I hate coffee that taste like coffee. I like coffee that tastes like melted ice cream.

I spent the start of the week doing data entry work, the middle of the week applying for jobs and finishing my resume, and the end of the week cleaning and driving kids to/from places. I am pretty exhausted. It's half ten on a Sunday morning. I'm debating going back to sleep or making coffee and doing some data entry.

My Grandmother sent me $25 for Christmas. That's exactly how much I need to open a savings account at my bank. Thanks Grandma!

Yesterday I got a call to come down and interview for a job on Monday at 8AM. I'm not super excited about this job. It's retail and it's nothing special, but I need the money so I can't really be too picky. I'd love to wait for a more exciting job offer, but if this place offers me something, I can't in good conscience turn them down. There is so much to pay for (See my last post!) and so every extra dollar is going to be a major help!

So we'll see how it goes... at least I'll be able to set aside more than $25 into savings.

That said I think that I'm going to go back to sleep. David and I have Mass at 6 tonight and sometime this afternoon I need to take my Astronomy and Biology final exams. So a nap sounds about perfec'.

More later...

December

2009-12-11T23:54:00.003-05:00

This has been the most productive month of my life and it's only the 11th.

Okay, maybe that's a slight exaggeration, but life has definitely taken on a sense of urgency over the past few weeks. Ever since the big engagement flop. David and I have been in a mad dash to set things into motion for married life.

Our current checklist includes:

__Better jobs/more stable income for both of us

__A conclusive decision on my undergraduate major

__Living expenses covered each month

__Establishing a savings account for our wedding

__Establishing a savings account for savings

__Graduating with my AA degree

__Parish registration

__RCIA courses

__Pre-Canna courses

__Reliable transportation bought and paid for

__Graduating with my BA degree

__Wedding planning

__Paying for a wedding

__Apartment Hunting

Since December is the month of spending it's probably the worst possible time to *try* and start putting money aside. Basically we need to save $450 a month for our wedding. Just for our wedding. Then we've got living expenses and a nest egg to build. Not to mention cars and other expenses that I'm sure I'm forgetting right now.

Once we sat down with my dad to discuss money it became blatantly obvious that there's no way for us to become financially responsible...based on our current income levels. So we're both looking to upgrade our jobs.

I spent the first half of the day updating my resume and applying for jobs. My evening was spent playing ludicrously violent computer games. It's not that I'm stressed, I'm just under pressure. We both are. It would be nice to have a ring and date, but I think that both of those things are going to have to wait a bit longer. It would be nice to celebrate with friends and family but all of that is going to have to wait.

On December 21st, David and I will have been dating for six months. After just six months, it's no wonder that we've got to do a bit of proving ourselves to everyone. I would love for all of this to be easier. I'd love to wake up one morning with a ring on my finger, money in the bank, and satisfied parents and in-laws. I'd love to have an engagement party. I'd love for friends and family to be sincerely happy for us. In my heart, I feel like we are missing out on a lot. But with each day that passes I realize more and more that we've got to work for that kind of a reaction. We've got to earn the money in the bank, just like we have to earn the confidence and respect of our family and friends.

It's tough going through all this. It makes me want to play violent video games to blow off steam. But knowing that I'm not alone, makes what we're trying to do a bit more possible.

I know that when I totally collapse under the pressure, David will be around to pick me back up. We've got so much to do in the next few years-- and I keep telling myself that the first few months will be the most challenging. Hopefully that's true, because right now...we're both being really challenged.

And in the middle of all of this, is Christmas. I love Christmas. Last year I spent every penny I had on gifts and decorations. This year, I barely have two cents to rub together. I'm earning money, but every bit of it is going into savings. I just don't have the funds for Christmas this year. I hope that that doesn't read in a sad and pathetic way. I love Christmas. But this year, everyone is getting a macaroni necklace.

Best Date Ever

2009-11-30T13:11:00.005-05:00

Saturday morning, I woke up *very* early. I packed a bag with my swimsuit, towels and a change of clothes and walked downstairs to wait for David. All week he'd been asking me if I was free Saturday because he wanted to do something special, "weather permitting." At about 8:30, he and I were off to IHOP for breakfast.

We watched the manager make a balloon Elmo for a crying little kid at the table next to us. We chatted about how weird it is that English people eat beans on toast with their breakfast. I said that it sounded like camping food. David said that the English invented camping. ^_^ We finished our french toast.

When we walked out into the parking lot it was still pretty chilly. (For Florida, anyway.) So we climbed into the car and David said that we'd have to go to 'Plan B.' (I'm so impressed that he had a plan B!)

We drove to his house and he picked up a sweater...because I'd teased him about his "Penny Arcade" hoodie. Then after chatting with his mom and sister for a while, we got back in the car and drove towards Kissimmee.

About 15 minutes later, I realized where we were going. His 'plan A' was to take me to Blizzard Beach. 'Plan B' was Disney MGM Studios! The only park that I never been to!

(That's us in the front of the Aerosmith Roller coaster!)

We spent probably 10 hours in the park and did so much, that it's hard to know where to start! We made friends on the tram with a 70 year old woman, who encouraged David to audition for the American Idol Experience. Her husband, sitting next to her, wasn't quite as friendly. Apparently he was there for free because it was his 80th birthday! By the end of the tram ride, we knew this couple's life story...and all of their favourite rides.

We spent the next 8 hours or so, on Tower of Terror, Rock 'n' Roller Coaster, The Great Movie Ride, The Indian Jones show, The Star Wars ride, Muppets 3D (which was AWESOME!), A stunt show and The new Toy Story Ride/Game! I'm sure that I'm leaving some stuff out.

Near the end of the day we went and saw the Little Mermaid Show! It was amazing. David held my hand through the whole thing and didn't complain a bit when I leaned close to him and whispered every single line from the movie into his ear. Looking back, I'm sure that was pretty annoying, but he just smiled.

After our last ride, I was completely exhausted. We started to walk toward the exit...but somehow found ourselves in the middle of all of...

...all of this.

The most incredible Christmas light show I have ever seen! Radio Disney playing classic Christmas songs, fake soapy snow coming down from the buildings, and lights absolutely everywhere. That's just one street! It covered three or four, every time we'd walk around a corner, we'd find a street prettier than the last.

We stayed an extra hour or so, just walking around looking at all the lights and dancing together to the Christmas music. It was the most incredible ending to a most incredible day.

I have to admit that when we drove up to the parking lot for Disney...I was apprehensive. I know that Disney isn't cheap and letting David spend that much money on a date, was unbelievably hard for me. When we pulled into the parking lot, I was biting my lip to keep from saying "we don't have to do this." More than once I wanted to reach into my wallet and split the bill with him.

Then all throughout the day, I kept thinking about how hard he worked to treat me to this. Running the numbers in my head, I'm sure he spent his entire 'Black Friday' paycheck on our date. He was up at 3:30 Friday morning, in a crowd of bargain hunters and long lines. He did all that, to be able to treat me to something as perfect and special as this...

I am so incredibly proud of him and I'm so thankful to have someone that thoughtful in my life. He amazes me.

So...we kind of blew it.

2009-11-25T22:54:00.003-05:00

David and I finally did something that we've been talking about doing since about our 3rd date. We got engaged. I am absolutely positive that I found the most incredible man and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life growing up together.

Unfortunately we sort of muffed the proposal. I bet that you're wondering how two people can screw up a proposal. He gets a ring. He asks. I say "yes." Done deal, right? Wrong.

We were both so excited to get engaged that we ended up doing in the least romantic way possible.

Without getting into too many details, we've decided that he and I and everyone else who wants to celebrate this with us, deserve a do-over.

I have no idea when that do-over will take place and until it happens I am just thoroughly enjoying being the fiancee/girlfriend of the most perfect partner I could ever ask for.

Psalm 130

"Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;

O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?

But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.

He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins."

Oh and Happy Thanksgiving!

I can assure you...I'm not given to casual relationships.

2009-11-19T15:21:00.003-05:00

Skipping out on my four hour Spanish class tonight to go to a Relay for Life event with David. Which reminds me that he and I never actually made our rap video. More on that later...

I have a Zunepass, which was about $40 for 3 months and I think that it was worth every penny. In a month I downloaded about 800 songs. It's great to have whatever music you want ready in an instant. Considering that $40 is the price of 2 albums, I think this was a pretty good deal.

I also have a new laptop (thank you Pell Grant!) It's a Gateway NV52. The pros are that it is lighter and faster than my old laptop. It also has a stronger battery. One major drawback is that it's running Vista, which has been working fine for me for the past month, but I still have reservations and feel morally conflicted about this operating system. Thank goodness my Windows 7 upgrade is in the mail! Oh and it's also a really boyish laptop. It's got a weird "honeycomb" design. Yuck. But the price was right and it has a sweet webcam.

You know the old saying, you need to spend money to make money? Well today I thought of a new saying. You need to make money to save money. *sigh* I need to get a coffee can and start filling it with ones and fives soon.

Split vision

2009-11-16T15:06:00.002-05:00

This page used to be obnoxiously pink. As you can see, I have fixed that. :)

David and I went on a tour of all of our favourite places on Friday. At Universal Studios we wandered around city walk and ended up in the TCBY Frozen yogurt place. As we decided what to order (we split a banana split) the guy who worked behind the counter was pacing back and forth and looked genuinely nervous. Before we could tell him want we wanted his face turned to David and with a panicked expression he said, "Yo, you guys I swear I just had this really weird vision of ya'll." David chuckled. "Oh yeah?" The guy became more flighty and went back to his pacing. Then he said, "Yeah you guys, you were just walking in here right? In my vision I saw you walking in and you were looking at the signs on the right. You had your arms around each other, you know?" At this point I was taking this guy very seriously and David was holding back laughter.

"Yeah, it was like 2:50, maybe? And I saw ya'll just walking in."
I'm sold and anxiously await the next part of his vision.
Then he bursts out laughing and says that he was behind us in the parking lot and saw us walking into the area together.

What a let down. Next time someone has a vision about me...I hope it's something better than that.

The banana split was good though.

Hiding

2009-09-07T23:27:00.002-04:00

Is anything too personal to post here? I struggle with that question a lot. I didn’t post anything last month and I’ve written very little all summer. It’s easy to write about things that aren’t really important. It’s especially easy to use the internet to complain.

I’m sure that everyone must have some personal thoughts, of which they are especially protective. So we build a warm little nest and hide away our secrets, keeping them safe from criticism and scrutiny. The instinct of hiding is something based totally in fear. After Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden, they literally went into hiding. They hid because they had done something wrong and they were afraid of the inevitable consequences.

I have nothing to hide from because I have done nothing wrong. Sometimes the words I post here are a bit embarrassing or sound silly but I’m going to keep posting them. Organizing my thoughts in black and white helps me to realize what is important in my life.

I spent the day with Rachel and Caroline and David. Caroline has the most sincere laugh and when she laughs it reminds me of the little girl she used to be, her face lights up. I love to make her laugh. Rachel seems like she’s hurting. I don’t know how I’ve missed it but she is going through a rough spot. Today was totally different. Today she could sit on the floor of a bookstore and plan a trip to Ireland with her sisters. She was a completely different person and seeing her in that light made me wish that she and I could find a way to have less pressured days. I don’t like fighting with her.

I don’t like fighting with anyone. I always take the words people say in the strongest possible sense. I never allow people to blow off stem. If something cross is said to me, it sticks with me forever. I let words shatter me. I need to work on this because it makes it impossible for the people around me to get upset with me. It’s taken me 23 years to figure this out. I hope it doesn’t take another 23 years for me to learn to how to let words roll off my shoulder.
Update:

David is amazing. He is the most caring person I’ve ever met. He calls me “beautiful” rather than “sexy.” He makes me feel cherished rather than cheap. I’ve never had a conversation with him that I would be embarrassed to have in front of my parents. He puts absolutely no pressure on me. He’s never stressed or bothered. There’s nothing I can say to him to shock him or scare him away. I am so happy and relaxed with him. All I want is to give him back ten times what he has given me. “8 days a week is not enough to show I care.” On top of all that, I think he’s gorgeous.

And with all that said...I'm off to empty the dishwasher.

The post with no title

2009-07-30T00:07:00.003-04:00

Lots of time goes by between my posts lately. That's because this summer has been going by quickly and every day seems to be packed with projects and activities.

I've said it before and I think it holds true that I really only write here when I'm bored or upset. I'd like to change that but anything upbeat sounds silly and goes unfinished or gets deleted. People often say that it's easier to be angry than sad. When you're angry you feel powerful but when you're sad you just feel empty and weak.

Something about writing here makes me feel vulnerable. I don't know who is reading this and I don't know how they will interpret my words. It's easier to feel powerful and protected when I write with a hint of sarcasm or when I distance myself from the subject I'm writing about.

Here's the unprotected and honest post about what's been going on in my life this summer. I'll try to compose it all into a 'best of' type essay for all the posts I've started to write and all the posts I've deleted.

I'm a bit freaked out about money right now. It's not that I have many expenses, its more that I just don't feel good about myself for not earning anything. I rely on other people a lot. I'd like to change this before school starts up in the fall. I want to take on more financial responsibility. Boring? Yes. But these are the thoughts that keep me up at night and somehow writing them down forces me to realize how silly they sound or perhaps how valid.

I'm dating someone and even though he's been a huge part of my summer, I've avoided writing anything about our relationship. We've been dating for about 6 weeks. What I find most attractive about him is that he is dependable and calm. I've been rushing around trying to find out everything about him, almost like pushing the fast forward button to see where this is going to lead before I get too attached. The truth is there's no way to stop yourself from getting "too attached." He is extremely patient with my impatience and that's very comforting. He's also very attentive. He acts like everything I say is important and everything I do is somehow quite meaningful. He doesn't take me for granted but tells me often how much he appreciates me. Basically, he's a good guy and I need to relax and stop looking for trouble. I care about him a lot but I'm still fighting off nervousness and the fear of being disappointed.

I'm counting the days until school starts. I'm actually pretty excited to be going back and getting back to a regular schedule. It will be nice to feel like I'm working towards something again. Taking the summer off has been fantastic, but I feel like a lush and I need something to force me to be productive.

Those are my deep and personal thoughts. In other, more superficial news, my list of items I'd like to save up for is getting longer all the time.

Right now the list includes:

A pink laptop for school
A DSi because they look so cool.
A subscription to ZunePass.

Also need to pay off my credit card and go clothes shopping and budget for a trip north for a wedding in the fall. Then it's Christmas time and I'm already excitedly planning for that.

Short and Sweet

2009-06-29T17:32:00.001-04:00

My last post was a bit depressing. I find that most of the time when I write here, it’s because I need to vent. I’m usually stressed or depressed or bored or lonely. This creates a terrible journal of my life. So to counter some of the rants and complaints in my previous post, I’ve decided to make this post about all the positives in my life right now.

I’ve been volunteering a lot at church this summer. Sometimes the events are overwhelmingly disorganized, but usually they’re fun. When they’re bad, I just end up with funny stories.

As far as school goes, at first I was really disappointed that I wouldn’t be going to UCF this fall. I’m registered at Valencia again for the fall semester. I’m taking a computer class, astronomy, biology and Spanish. The computer class is a short semester and the science classes are online. This will leave me a lot of time to spend with family and friends, so in the end I think it all works out for the best.

It’s already the end of June and we haven’t had any hurricanes! *fingers crossed for the rest of the season* We’ve been having amazing thunderstorms and beautiful sunsets. In the evenings I’ve been taking Gabriel for walks around the neighborhood to tire him out for bed. It’s really easy to take the weather here for granted. When every day is beautiful, you tend to ignore the beauty. Earlier this week we saw the most incredible rainbow.

Caroline’s birthday was last week and Audrey’s is this week. We’re going to the movies on Wednesday with a bunch of friends and Father Hector!

Saturday is the 4th and we’re going to see the fireworks and listen to music and wander around Celebration. I haven’t figured out yet if the party is 1940s themed or 1970s themed. Hopefully that will get cleared up before Saturday!
Anyway I’m off to another church event. Have a wonderful day!

Xoxo,
me

Apparently mouse trails is for squares...

2009-06-16T01:11:00.000-04:00

Sometimes life can be extremely overwhelming. This is my coping mechanism for stress. We’ll call it “Sleeping Beauty Syndrome.” When my life turns to chaos, I immediately jump into bed. Occasionally I can muster the strength for a bubble bath and soft music, but that’s only if I’m feeling up to the challenge. Lately, I’ve been sleeping a lot.

I caught some upper respiratory infection about a week ago. Everything has since cleared up, except for a hideous dry cough. It makes me sound like I’ve been chain smoking for 30 years. It’s like a tiny little man is inside my throat tickling me with a feather every time I inhale or exhale and he won’t go away.

On top of that, I recently found out that UCF won’t accept me for the fall. They’ve deferred their decision until I get my Associate’s degree. This means another seven classes and two semesters at Valencia. I just want to be finished with school already. Every time I think I’m getting close, something comes and slams me back down again. I’m 3 or 4 years older than most of the students, and that in itself is discouraging.

Earlier this week my grandmother came to visit. She stayed in my room, which meant that with this hideous cough I was “sleeping” on the floor in my sister’s room. I barely saw her while she was here, which was okay because generally she’s rude and hurtful. She ended up fighting with my dad and left early.

I’ve been to the doctor twice this month. The first visit was for blood work, the second was for the results. I hate doctors. You walk in, tell them your most embarrassing health concerns and then they act like it’s nothing. I’ve got a seriously stupid and embarrassing problem that is stressing me out beyond belief. Unfortunately they don’t really know what causes my body to act the way it does. I’ve tried a million treatments, and nothing works. Today at the doctor’s office my blood work came back normal, which is great, I suppose, except it still means that they have no idea why my body is doing what it’s doing. Needless to say this is stressing me out and causing me to run for my soft comfy bed.

So basically I’ve been having a tough week. To add to my stress, there’s someone, who I’m confident will be reading this, who won’t take no for an answer. 4 years ago I made a huge mistake, and now every so often that mistake continues to be show up in my life. It’s not so much the person that bothers me, I understand where he’s coming from and my heart goes out to him. I’m just sick of being damaged. So if you’re reading this, please respect my answer.

Drama so thick you could cut it with a knife. It’s enough to make me crawl under the covers and not come out for a month.

The silver lining in all this is that I’ve met someone who seems to always put a smile on my face. Misty the Border Collie is just about the sweetest dog imaginable. Her owner isn’t too bad either.

Bliss

2009-05-17T12:55:00.001-04:00

Take me down to the garden
Let me lay with you
Hold my hand and
Don't let go
If you feel like kissing me
Do
Now there's butterflies in me baby
And I just don't know what to do
You could stand up straight
You could be the best of my dates
But I still wouldn’t see you for I
cannot give you my love.

'These Roses'- Gin Wigmore

I wish that all my dreams were this interesting...

2009-05-08T17:06:00.003-04:00

So it was a cross between Dr. Dolittle and the Lion King. It took place in the 19th century. I was negotiating a hostage situation involving an enormous pack of lions (hundreds). The pack was being held by a gang of poachers. Who were slow and methodically killing off the animals and eating them.

There was lots of running involved. First I'd talk to the poachers, then I'd run across what seemed like an old western town, to talk to some young weird guy. His room was cluttered with stuff. Maybe he was a doctor or an inventor, I don't really know. On my third trip out to his "house" he unrolled this huge canvas. On it, he'd painted an amazing picture of the two of us standing in his house. It looked like something out of little house on the prairie.

Awesome clothes. No idea what happened to the lions.

Also, I cannot express how deeply I would like to live on a houseboat. At the moment I know absolutely nothing about sailing, however.

I'm all about emo music these days...

2009-05-04T23:46:00.001-04:00

I got my grades back for the semester, 4 A's and a B. Not that I'm bragging. :) Now I just have to get my transcripts sent off to UCF.

Just some sweet tunes for the evening...

2009-05-04T02:48:00.000-04:00

Housekeeping and useless tidbits

2009-04-28T22:48:00.003-04:00

So as it turns out, I am in fact not moving in a week. That's a long story that I might cover some other time.

Meanwhile tomorrow I have my last 3 finals and then I'm done with the semester. I've applied to UCF for this fall. My community college offers a guaranteed admission program with UCF if you complete an associates degree. At the end of this semester I'll have 62 credit hours, but I won't have my A.S. because I switched from a business major to a public administration major. Hopefully I'll still squeak by and get into UCF but if not then I'll finish my A.S. and apply again later.

I'm not taking classes this summer, which is weird because I've taken classes for the past two summers. Before that I was working for the circus and before that I did a theater internship. So this is my first summer off in a while. I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do with myself.

I'm giving a lot of thought to joining the Air Force after I graduate. I'm looking around at the economy and I'm not excited about having to find a job after college. With the Air Force, I'll have my housing and meals paid for and I'll be able to build a nice little nest egg for a couple of years. Not to mention that military experience looks good on the resume when applying for government jobs. But all that is two or three years away.

This summer I definitely need to take my health seriously. I need to go get blood work done to figure out why my hands and feet are sweating and why my hair is turning white and falling out. All of this points to a thyroid condition, which runs in my family. Anyway, whatever my mystery health problem is, this is the summer that it's going to be solved.

That's all for now. Stay tuned for more exciting info to come.

Darn it.

2009-04-25T02:26:00.002-04:00

I got pulled over by the police tonight. :( It was for a broken/not really broken, rather just dim, passenger side headlight. No ticket. Still, it ruined my record of not ever being pulled over. April 25, 2009 the day my perfect record died.

Boi dont tri to plai.

2009-04-22T03:32:00.002-04:00

I drank a super-sized Red Bull a few hours ago because I thought that my math homework would be an all-nighter. I finished all the math homework in about an hour and now am sufficiently buzzed at 3:30 in the morning. Wahoo!

Tomorrow...er..today rather, is essentially the last day of my semester. My finals are next week and then I'm done son.

Just prior to signing into my blog here, I was looking up the new financial aid maximums. One of the perks of having seven younger siblings is that it basically guarantees that you're eligible for the maximum amount of grant money, or close to it. The new Pell Grant max is $5,350, which is about $600 more than it was last year. The SEOG caps out at $1000--same as last year and the FSAG maxs at $1900. So all together the three big grants are worth $8,266.

On a completely separate note I can't get Womanizer out of my head. :-/

Maybe I'll go study for my finals.

Near the end...

2009-04-20T00:52:00.002-04:00

The other night I watched When Harry Met Sally (which is on youtube, fyi). It was the first time in months that I’ve been able to sit down and finish a movie. Clearly this is a sign that my semester is nearing an end. I also drove, on 3 hours of sleep, to Gainesville over the weekend to visit some friends. Bit by bit, my life is mellowing out.

I bought a webcam and after playing with it for about ten minutes, I have no idea why I bought it. It’s a good camera. I think tonight I’m going to tape myself sleeping to see if I snore. Maybe I talk in my sleep and reveal mortifying secrets. I’m hoping for some enlightening footage.

Gosh it feels nice to have free time again. Harmony and balance have returned for the summer.

Humility...

2009-04-12T22:07:00.001-04:00

I'm still completely amazed by the events of this past week. I got confirmed into the Catholic faith, along with my family, at the Easter Vigil Mass. It was a four hour service and it was absolutely beautiful. My brother and grandparents flew into town for the event.

I spent part of this evening, sitting around the kitchen table talking to my grandfather. He likes to ask questions that put himself into the position of listening to long detailed answers. He always seems amazed by everything I have to say. While we were talking I suddenly became overwhelmingly aware that I was talking to a man who bottle fed me as an infant. I was looking into the face of the same man who desperately searched through a fourth of July crowd to find a lost six-year old version of me. How does this man take me seriously? How can he possibly see me as an adult? To hear me talk about federal arts funding and masters degree programs in public administration, does it just translate to baby talk? In that moment I felt unbelievably humbled.

I think sometimes we forget where we came from. I forget that I was the six year old girl getting lost in the crowd and the adorable baby that needed care. Sometimes we act like our opinions, rights, feelings, etc. should be the most important issues in the room. Sometimes we need to sit back, listen and just be humbled.

Obviously my body does not handle stress...

2009-04-05T23:52:00.001-04:00

This has been an unbelievably embarrassing day. I passed out, not once but twice, at the Palm Sunday Mass service. The sanctuary was packed with people. All the sudden I started yawning and couldn’t stop. I just assumed that it was because I hadn’t gotten much sleep the past few nights. Anyway about 30 minutes or so into the service we knelt down. I leaned over and whisper to my sister that I felt I was going to pass out. Almost immediately after the words left my lips, my eyesight went into tunnel vision and then it was dark. I felt like I was asleep in a blender, I could feel my whole body shaking violently and my ears were burning hot. I woke up a short time later, maybe 30 seconds or so, with my mom and sister each holding onto me.

They practically carried me out of the church and my dad went to get the car. Outside while I was sitting with my mom on the steps of the church, the whole thing happened again. It just took a few a seconds before I woke up, but it felt like slow motion and it was absolutely terrifying. When I woke up the second time I could hear my mom yelling for help and when my vision came back there were two or three people standing around me offering me water, which I guzzled down.

I got in the car and listened to my parents talk about the hospital and whether they should take me there. At this point I felt much more composed and conscious. I was making jokes to try to calm my mom down. I absolutely did not want to go to the hospital. I told her that. We went home and crashed onto the sofa in the living room. My dad took my blood sugar level, my blood pressure and my temperature…all normal. I drank a lot of water, a little soda, and I took 4 ibprophens and some magnesium supplements. Basically I took whatever my mom handed me, to appease her because she seemed just as freaked out as I felt.

Then about 30 minutes later the entire left side of my body went numb, as if I’d lost circulation. You know when your arm falls asleep and it feels fuzzy, it was like that. I couldn’t control my hand well enough to grip a glass of water. The left side of my tongue was even swollen. Then my head ache became insanely hard to deal with. Light and sound…everything made it worse. I was trying really hard not to cry from a combination of being terrified and being in pain.

All of this happened to me two years ago when I got pneumonia. I fainted twice, around this exact same time last year. Back then I sat in the ER for several hours waiting to be seen, and then they gave me a bed and pumped me full of fluids because I was severely dehydrated. They also ran a bunch of tests and blood work. It was miserable and the whole thing ended up costing thousands in medical bills. The outcome was cough medicine and absolute bedrest for ten days.

This time I’m not coughing or short of breath. Basically I’m on bedrest for the next day or so, I can’t drive anywhere for obvious reasons and I’m drinking a river of water and Gatorade to get my fluids back up. I’m exhausted. I don’t have time to be sick. I’ve got too much going on at school and home to be laying in bed for very long.

Preview of upcoming events...

2009-04-05T00:55:00.002-04:00

___Tomorrow morning I have mass at 10 followed by a quick change of clothes and then a showing of the play Amadeus at 2:30 for my humanities class. Evening of homework, I have to finish my government paper and write a presentation for speech class.
___Monday I have a presentation due, a paper due and Passover Dinner at the church.
___Tuesday I’m cleaning the house all day and packing, as well as writing a paper for my humanities class on Amadeus.
___Wednesday I have classes from 9am until 9pm.
___Thursday my grandparents are arriving from the airport.
___Friday Stephen is arriving from the airport.
___Saturday I’m at the church all day for confirmation practice. Saturday night I’m getting confirmed.
___Sunday is Easter, and all visiting relatives are leaving that afternoon.

Next Monday I have class, Tuesday I’m off. Wednesday night I’m driving the first load of boxes up to VA—hopefully back by Saturday. Church on Sunday.

All that brings us to Monday the 20th, when my schedule starts to free up, just in time for finals week.

Tonight I had to inform just about the only people in the state of Florida that I really care about, that I’m moving at the end of the month. I’m not emotional about goodbyes. It’s not that I won’t miss the people I’m leaving behind—I’ll miss them tremendously—I’ve just done this often enough in my life that I’ve grown casual about the whole thing. Is that weird? I’m looking forward to going back to Virginia, I miss it a lot and it feels like home.

Should I stop for a carmel macchiato this morning?

2009-04-01T08:13:00.001-04:00

Bring it on 12 hour Wednesday... do your worst. :)

Stuck

2009-03-31T22:59:00.001-04:00

Lately I’ve been completely overwhelmed with projects, but tonight things changed a bit. I got started on my math homework early and I finished a ridiculous assignment for my speech class. Now that I feel like I’m getting ahead of the game a little, the pressure is dying off. It’s so much nicer to feel in control of one’s life.

Today I grabbed my keys and went out for a drive. I didn’t really have any destination. I wandered around a bookstore, a craft store and Bed, Bath and Beyond. I hate BB&B. I don’t think I’ve ever bought anything there. I go in, I walk their loop and then I leave. This time two managers followed me around the store and kept shouting at me from different places, “HELLO!” and “HAVE A NICE AFTERNOON!” and when I finally reached the exit and it was obvious that I wasn’t going to buy anything, the guy followed me almost out the door and said “Can I help you find something?” Buddy…I’m at the door… it’s a little late for that.

If you can’t tell from that story…I’ve been in a pretty bad mood lately. Not really sure why, lots of reasons come to mind.

Anyway I kept driving and a terrific thunderstorm appeared out of nowhere. It’s been a while since I’ve seen lighting like that. So magnificent. It looks, for a split second, as if the sky has a huge rip down its canvas. The heavens illuminate the tear, just for a moment and then it’s gone. It’s stitched back up with dark clouds.

Then I went and got sushi and green tea and came home with a terrible head ache to a mountain of school work which I’ve barely crawled out from under.

I’m tired. The academic world seems to make a point of sucking all of the creativity out of a person. I miss writing about thunderstorms. I miss watching movies and reading newspapers. I really miss bubble baths and candles and soft pajamas and clear skin and delicate lighting. I miss just being able to relax. I miss being able to pick up a novel and not feel like I was procrastinating something more important.

I’m tired of sacrificing happiness to the almighty GPA deity. I want to go outside in the middle of the night with a thermos and a notebook and watch the stars.

Am I being overly dramatic? Probably. But I’m tired. I miss nesting. I miss the red stuff. I miss big comfy t-shirts and mountains of soft blankets. I miss all the good stuff. I miss having enough hours in day. I want to go camping. I really want to “get away from it all.” I’ve never actually been camping. But it sounds perfect right now.

"Marvelous things will happen."

2009-03-29T23:24:00.001-04:00

This is going to be a fantastic year!

That said...I'm now going back to rereading The Time Traveler's Wife. It's such a good book.

Comfortable...

2009-03-25T22:54:00.003-04:00

I hate expressing how out of control I feel. I have no idea where my life is going. I’m scared and stressed. I am a hocked-up hairball of tangled emotional turmoil. On nights like tonight, all I want to do is crawl back. Like an addict, there are nights when I just want to light up once more. I’m smart enough to realize that this is only a temporary fix; right now the temporary seems more important than the permanent and the word “fix” is poetic.

The fix is seductive. Ignorance is Utopian. Yet the withdrawal is a painful sting. So I summarize by saying that I am tired. I am tired. I’m tired of laboring. I just want the kind of rest I’ve only found in one place. I want the peace I’ve only attained in the middle of the lion’s den. Sometimes I need a retreat from my own thoughts. I’m tired.

Keep moving forward

2009-03-20T21:16:00.001-04:00

I wish that I could write something hilarious here but lately I just don’t have it in me. I’m completely exhausted. Days and weeks are flying by and there doesn’t seem to be enough time to get everything done.

I’m improving every aspect of my life—and that in itself can be rather tiring. I got into Phi Theta Kappa, the honors society at school. I’m applying to universities, although I might not go for a while depending on the cost. I’ve made lifestyle changes with regard to my diet and my spiritual life. Also I’ve come to realize that my youth is in it’s sunset years and that I need to make the most of this time with my family, especially my brothers and sisters.

I’m reading more, I’m sleeping less…all in all…I feel like I’m morphing into a grownup. It’s a surreal experience and it’s quite exhausting. On days like today, only one thing keeps me going…

“It ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward…how much you can take…and keep moving forward.” –Rocky Balboa

2009-03-18T00:13:00.001-04:00

Aren’t there just days where you desperately want your life to fast forward five years? Today is one of those days. I have too many projects going on in school. I’ve got too much going on in life. I just want to skip ahead.

How Bizzare...

2009-03-10T11:53:00.001-04:00

I had a dream last night that was incredibly weird. There were two guys and one of them held my hand and I rested my head on his shoulder and we watched as some kid got beaten up in front of us. Then there was another guy who was on roller skates and he came out of no where to rescue the kid. I remember yelling to the guy on roller skates to save the poor kid, and I felt myself pulling away from the guy I was with, but at the end of the dream I was still holding his hand. More than anything else in the dream I remember how soft and wonderful it was to rest my head on his shoulder.

This is all very weird considering that normally I would hope that I would pick the guy who was doing the right thing over the guy who was soft and cuddly. But the guy on roller skates was really hard to follow, he was flying all over the place.

Annnyway…the end of the dream involved the soft and cuddly guy having surgery after a really bad car accident. Not sure what the moral of the story is…?

I should have paid more attention in Hebrew class.

2009-03-08T00:21:00.001-05:00

I don’t even know what to write about tonight. In a rare turn of events I’ve ended up alone at home on a Saturday night. The house is way too quiet and I have a terrible sun burn from falling asleep by the pool earlier today.

I wonder why no one has ever done a sermon on loneliness. It’s not like the Bible doesn’t talk about it, and it’s not like everyone doesn’t at some point experience it. So why are none of the Church leaders addressing it?

Tonight I think I’ll tackle that topic. This is going to be a pretty informal post. I’ll be doing research and using this as sort of a collection of notes on the subject. I’m not sure how cohesive this will end up being, so be forewarned it might get tangled. Biblegateway.com here I come.

“The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."- Gen 2:18

This is the first time God says that something is not good. If any woman reading the Bible ever needed a “woman power” type moment, I would say this is it. Without women, man’s life is “not good.” That’s a pretty strong affirmation from God.

In fact according to crosswalk.com’s lexicon, the Hebrew word used in this verse is “bd” which is pronounced literally as “bad.” It’s definition means “alone” or “separation” but it can also mean “a part of.” This is such an amazing concept to me. It’s like God made man and thought something along the lines of… “Wait…this isn’t good…he isn’t finished yet.” The same word is used to describe the parts of the temple (Exodus 36: 16) and the individual tribes of Israel (Zec 12:13). That’s the kind of “alone” God meant in Gen. 2:18. He meant that man was incomplete, a part of a whole.

The same Hebrew word is used in Gen. 32:24,

“So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak.”

This one is interesting to me because I’ve never fully understood what went on between God and Jacob when they wrestled. The context is essentially that Jacob had just sent his wives and servants in separate directions, breaking them into two groups before his reunion with Esau. The verse says “So Jacob was left alone,” and then goes on to talk about a literal wrestling match with God. Jacob comes out of the encounter injured but blessed. So I guess maybe this means that sometimes in our loneliness, we will encounter a struggle but that with persistence it’s possible to use this time to be blessed.

I meant to write more on this subject but I got distracted by an amazing phone conversation on the topic and now I’m even more confused that I was to begin with. I’ll probably post a part two on this topic sometime soon.
Anyway, good night all!

Emotional baggage

2009-03-05T02:07:00.000-05:00

Today I read the testimony of a friend and it had a huge impact on me. First of all I was saddened because he went through some really tough times. But more than that I felt completely disgusted with myself because I knew him while he was struggling, only at that time in my life I was so self-absorbed that I never noticed his pain.

When it comes to my personal testimony, I have to be honest and say that I’ve never really given the whole thing to anyone. There are a lot of skeletons in my closet and I was raised to believe that you don’t rehash old wounds. Basically you forgive and forget and you don’t bring up things that have hurt you. You especially don’t bring up anything that would make the family look bad. Sometimes this makes me feel like a hypocrite because even my closest friends don’t know everything that I’ve gone through.

No one is ever going to ask you, “Hey did you ever experience suffering?” Never in my life have I heard someone ask that question. I suppose if someone asked me I’d tell them all that I’ve been through, but the problem is that we don’t ask each other. We just assume that we are the only ones that are hurting. That’s how it was years ago, when I saw a close friend everyday and enjoyed his company so much, but never stopped to ask, “Are you okay?”

I let him down and that makes me feel totally disappointed with myself. But how many other people in my life are struggling? How many people do I walk past everyday, who are hurting and need someone to comfort them?

I guess this is where God comes in. I guess this is where a person has to have faith that God is in control. Tonight my prayer is that I can learn to be more receptive to people’s suffering and to be less concerned with my own problems.

February-March change over

2009-02-23T23:00:00.001-05:00

I hate the February- March change over. I mean, I know that there are only 28 days in February, yet somehow every year, I find myself surprised and overwhelmed by the fact that instead of there being ten days between now and March 3rd, there are only 8….or…7…something like that. See, the problem? It stresses me out.

Anyway I’ve been crazy busy lately. Ash Wednesday is the day after tomorrow. I’m going to 7:30AM mass, then I have a 9AM government class, a math test, I’m going to my speech class early for extra credit, AND my humanities midterm from 6 to 9PM.
Sometime on Thursday or Friday I have to get my new school parking sticker for the car and turn in my PTK paperwork.

Then on Saturday I’m going to the symphony and on Sunday I’m running a 5k. Also on Sunday I’ve got 6 guys coming to stay at my house while they’re in town for the youth pastor summit. They’ll be here Sunday and Monday, which I’m totally excited about. However; this means that I have to clean my room and de-girlie it a bit between now and then.

Oh YEAH…and I’m still waiting to hear back from my mechanic about the springs for my car. (Did I write about that in the last post? I forgot.)

So that’ll be my week. I’m tired just thinking about it. I’m going to bed early so that I can get up even earlier. (Figure that one out.)

Oh on a separate note, last night I set my alarm for 6AM and it went off at 6PM. I came into my room at 6:45PM and it was STILL going….that’s dedication.

G’night folks!

The car...part II.

2009-02-20T12:16:00.000-05:00

I took my car to the GM dealership on Tuesday to have a tune-up done and inspection of what needed to be repaired. There’s good news and bad news. The good news was that the car has a lot of new parts, timing belt, brakes, tires, etc. The engine is in good shape, the A/C is in good shape…these are all good things. I had all the fluids changed and radiator flushed and they changed some sparks plugs and fixed a problem concerning how the battery was grounded. (Which they thought was why the car didn’t always start up right away.) All this for about $300.

Apparently, and thankfully, the shocks are not bad but the springs need to be replaced. A previous owner cut the springs and tried to convert the car into a low rider…thanks for that previous owner. Now the springs are discontinued parts so junkyard hunting I will go. I’ve already found the back springs on ebay for about $30.
Anyway when I went to pick up the car on Wednesday evening, it wouldn’t start up right away. I put in the key, the engine clicked and nothing turned over. It started the second time, but I didn’t want to take it home until that problem was fixed. Something I forgot to mention in the last post, was that the guy I bought the car from gave me an “extra” transmit ion and starter and something to do with the brakes. Several times throughout the buying processing this guy tried to show me that the starter that was installed was going bad and probably needed to be replaced. So I left the Geo at the dealership for another day and had them put in the “extra” starter, for an “extra” $60.

So running tally on the car:
$1090 for the car +tax, tag and title.
$360 for immediate repairs and maintenance.
So I’m just under $1500.

The only substantial mechanical work that needs to be done is on the springs, and I’m not sure how labor intensive (expensive) that will be. I would love to get the car painted and the windshield replaced, but that’s like putting the cart before the horse. Gotta get the springs worked on first.

I’m also thinking about getting an mp3 player and an FM transmitter for the car. Zunes are on sale at Wal-Mart this week. I think the 8GB is about $130. I’m pretty tempted to get one, but I know that’ll cut into my budget for cosmetic repairs on the car. We’ll see what happens… I just might buy one today anywho.

Chock full of fiber!

2009-02-17T21:29:00.001-05:00

This post is going to be busting at the seams with information so let’s just get down to it, shall we?

Today I purchased a car. Yep, that’s right, while the vehicle is presently registered in my dad’s name for insurance purposes, it belongs to me. I am the owner of a red 1994 Geo Metro hatchback. So today begins the documentation of this car, which I honestly think is going to be wonderful once it gets the TLC is deserves. While trying to avoid sounding too much like an auto ad, here are the pro’s and con’s.

The car gets between 35 and 45 mpg and costs $16 to fill up the tank. According to my research the repair costs on this car are very inexpensive. For example, 4 new tires are about $100 total. Also the car has a working A/C and CD player and the interior is in pretty decent shape. The size inside is a lot more spacious than you’d expect. Also it’s four door which makes hauling people around from guitar practice and drama rehearsals that much easier.

As far as the negatives, the car has a cracked windshield and it looks like someone has tried to replace it before because the top edge is attached with rubber cement in place of the original trim. Also there are problems with some the interior plastic pieces, a/c vents and door handles and such. The car probably needs a new battery, shocks, break pads and a tune-up. Also the paint is faded on the roof, which is pretty noticeable considering the height of the car.

I’m taking it to the dealership across the street tomorrow morning for a tune-up and a list of what needs to be done. My budget for a car was about $2k and so far I’ve spent $950 on the car itself and about $140 on tax, tag and title. So there are plenty of funds for repairs and a lot of the cosmetic stuff I can do myself.
I don’t expect to have the car in perfect shape for my budget, but I’d like to get all the major mechanical issues covered. I’m really excited and I think that once everything is up to speed this is going to be a great car.

Now I promised myself that I was going to start going to bed early and it’s already 9:30 so I’ll cut this post off here. I hope everyone reading this has an outstanding gold-star-sticker kind of day tomorrow.

Good night all!

It's been a long night

2009-02-11T23:11:00.004-05:00

Quote and quotation are not interchangeable. "Quote" is a verb. "Quotation" is a noun. You may quote a quotation. (Look it up, you'll find that this is the case.) My Speech teacher continually misuses the two words. I am very frustrated by this.

Also...

A person can only be humble if they are really good at something. There are lots of smart people who are humble. Stupid people, or people lacking skills, cannot be humble.

Furthermore...

If you have more than two options you cannot use the word "between" to describe them. I.E. "You may choose between apples, oranges, or pears." This is incorrect. The correct word would be "among."

Finally,

I have no idea how to spell intelligence without spell check. (In that sentence I spelled it "intellegence.")

2009-02-09T23:07:00.000-05:00

Every time I write on this blog I feel pressed to make it something substantial. At the moment, I’m not that inspired. I’m working on a case brief for my Government class and a presentation on circus culture for my Speech class. Aside from that I volunteered at the church’s winter festival this past weekend and I’m still trying to get in shape for that 5k in a few weeks.

This is one of those weeks that I just want to press fast forward on. I’d love to time travel even if only to the Monday after next. The weather is nice again--in the 80s and sunny. I’d really love to spend the weekend at the beach, but I just don’t think I have the time for it.

I also wish that my bathroom had a bathtub, rather than just a shower. I miss candlelit bubble baths.

On that note,
Good night all!

2009-02-05T22:40:00.003-05:00

Some people have ten year plans for their lives. I was thinking about that lately and I tried to speculate on where I’d be ten years from now. I wonder what 32 will feel like.

I spent most of the evening playing with my hair and makeup. Nights like tonight make me want to hold on desperately to my youth. Truth is I’m kind of scared to get older. I feel like I should have someone beside me, getting older with me. I don’t want to do it alone.

I found this song tonight. It is incredible but don’t listen to it unless you’re ready to cry.

Thoughts on God...

2009-02-04T00:39:00.000-05:00

I wonder… Am I afraid to talk about God? I mean do I only talk about God around friends who I know will agree with me? I’ve never been the evangelical type. I don’t have all the answers. I can’t hit someone over the head with a Bible and make them believe what I believe. When pressured I’ve always described myself as a “witness by example” Christian. I don’t walk up to strangers and ask them if they’re right with the Lord. Instead I hold the door open for a woman carrying boxes, or take lunches to the homeless and buy medicine for the sick.

I’m not vocal about my faith, but I do try to show it through my actions. Sometimes I feel like Christians are the hardest on each other. All the different denominations act one and other as if there is only one way to do things. In my past I’ve been to Jewish services, Catholic services and Pentecostal services.

Judaism taught me to love the Torah. I learned how to love the law and recognize each commandment as a gift from God. Judaism is like visiting your Grandpa. You hear such wonderful stories from this old man; and sometimes you’re intimidated by him and sometimes you don’t understand him but you’ve always got a deep love and respect for him.

Then there are the protestant churches. They are so much fun. The worship is amazing and people are so joyful. The services give you goose bumps every Sunday. It’s like being at a big potluck dinner. I learned here to truly enjoy God’s gifts and to be thankful each day for his blessings. These people with their Jesus fish and evangelical t-shirts are so proud of Jesus.

Then in the Catholic Church, where I am now, I am learning why it is called a service. You go to mass for God. You kneel humbly and come to Him as a servant. You pray, not for yourself but for the entire world. You don’t get it right away, but the words you say in a Catholic mass are fueling your heart. I feel like these services aren’t for me to “get something” from a sermon, but for me to offer something to God.

I’m sure that other churches have their strengths as well. Perhaps there is no church that gets everything right. As I experience different religious traditions I feel like a plant in a garden. I am watered and fertilized and sometimes the gardener speaks affirmations to me. All of these things encourage my growth.

So right now I have a mix. I read from the Old Testament each morning, I go to mass on Sundays, I listen to Hillsong when I want to worship and read Beth Moore’s devotional each night. I guess in a lot of ways I’m a spiritual mutt and I’m okay with that.

2009-01-22T23:39:00.002-05:00

These are on here by request, although I really have no idea how to write poetry and I know nothing about form or structure. Basically these are just amateur musings.

Cold Night
Ice forms on the tiny hairs the cover my forearms and my fingertips painfully swell.
My nose refuses to take in any warmth and so remains damp and chilled.
Under a blanket my legs cross, hugging each other for heat.
The frown of my mouth offers little comfort to the rest of my face.
Blood passes through my veins like an icy stream; I can feel its struggle against that which slows its path.
My stomach and ass are jolly, like alcoholics in the snow. Fat insulates their merriment and lulls them into a daze.
My hair no longer feels as though it is part of me and with each shift of wind, tries desperately to flee.
My soul enjoys the cold, and I am pleasantly cross.

Journey
I tried to paint but was unsuccessful, lacking the will to try again.
I played the violin for a week, but traded it in for a pen.
I took some time to write, for journalistic dreams, but became and actress and activist and soon found other means.
In following where my heart leads, I believe I get an A. Enjoying where it takes me, is something hard to say.
Shoot for the moon they tell you, but what happens when you do?
Once all the cheese is eaten, your soul craves something new.
Jack of all trades and mistress of none, is something of my goal.
In the journey I find pleasure, and on the trip I bare my soul.

Poet
What is a poet?
Does he use his pen as a scalpel,
to cut open his chest with precision?
Is his imagination the morphine,
That allows him to handle the pain?
Does he leave his beating heart exposed,
And sketch it out on paper?
Or does he stab it with his quill,
And scribble in blood and guts all of his raw emotions
Until his soul can bare it no more.

Or maybe the world cuts him open,
Each day tears him a bit more.
Forcing him to be vulnerable,
Leaving his body broken and sore.
And with his pen he stitches,
New sutures verse by verse.
Left untreated without his pen,
The pain would only grow worse.

Is it his insides trying to burst out,
Or is it how he makes sense of the world?

Where?
Where is the one who is strong enough,
To rescue the girl from the dragon?
She will not cut his hair.
She will not try to deceive him.
The girl will make him laugh.
The girl will find his socks.
He will lead and she will follow.
Together they will be happy.

Act III

2009-01-21T23:22:00.002-05:00

Tonight I am writing to you from underneath the covers of my pleasantly soft bedding. A large down comforter insulates my body and keeps me warm like a hug from a friendly giant. My favorite rosy cottage quilt surrounds me in patches of floral splendor. In this environment, with braids down my neck, I feel like a perfect Goldilocks--- naïve, and innocent, and delightfully snug.

This is an anniversary, of sorts. Throughout the day my mind has drifted into the past. I see it now, not as it was, but as my emotions have painted history. The room was clinic and dark. Looking back I feel that was the only time that my life ever moved in a straight path. I had stability and consistency. My heart dove off a cliff and into a powerful ocean. The sea green waters were mysterious and shadowy with new experiences engulfing me with each strong crested wave. I felt I was going about things, just as I should. The whole time I felt in control. I was happy. Everything was new and wonderful and I had imagined it would always be that way. I was not alone.

We swam in tandem. Holding hands and pulling in opposing directions, we refused to let go of one another. The strain became unbearable –yet we did bear it and in the process, hurt each other. Pulling away from individual dreams we floated along down an undesirable journey.

In the end we let go. Arms pulled out of socket, we separated and nursed our wounds. Glances back and forth reveal the thought of a reunion, but the pain is too much and our dreams still do not cross.

The good news is that the pain is in the past. The future holds promise. A friendly reunion of storm-tough ships or a lesson learned from history. The pain fades for both. The anniversary less bittersweet.

Have you found peace and closure? My heart yearns for your happiness.

To Do List

2009-01-18T23:51:00.003-05:00

In honor of MLK day, or as they call in Virginia, Lee Jackson King Day (yeah, that's pretty screwed up.) I'm going to be extremely productive tomorrow. The following is my list of choirs

My morning: Clean my room, Clean my bathroom, Organize my closet, Do Laundry.

My Midday: Read the first two chapters of my Government Textbook, Read the selections for my Humanities class/ and homework,

My Afternoon: Complete Math homework, Finish the book I'm reading, Start reading "The Social Contract" for Humanities class

Whenever I can fit it in: Go to the gym (If it's open) and Get some database entry work completed.

Also keeping my eyes open for a cheap car and a good deal on a new laptop.

Happy Holiday everyone! :D

I ain't no hollaback girl

2009-01-16T23:49:00.001-05:00

I am the most socially awkward person I know. I was at the bookstore tonight and some weird guy starts talking to me about how he just moved here from Miami and doesn’t know anyone and blah, blah, blah. I wasn’t interested in him, yet somehow fifteen minutes go by and we’re still talking. At the end of the conversation he asks for my number. What did I do? I gave it to him. WHY—Why—why would I do that?! So now I’m stuck in the awkward and extremely immature position of dodging phone calls from this guy.

Throughout the conversation I was the one doing most of the talking. He’d ask me a question, I’d stumble around trying to come up with an answer and then he’d ask another question. By the end of conversation he knew much more about me than I knew about him. He asked how he could get in touch with me and at first I suggest facebook. But he said he didn’t have a facebook and then he asked for my number so that he could call me and I could tell him how to make one. Idiot that I am, I gave him the number. I wouldn’t feel so bad except that I know I have no intention of calling him or accepting his calls. (Yeah I also got his number… don’t ask how that happened… it was all kind of a blur.)

The point of this story is that I am an unbearable klutz when it comes to social situations. At 22, if I don’t want to give a guy my number, I should be capable of telling him that.

This brings me to one final point. I hate being “picked up.” It isn’t that I’m not a friendly person, I just don’t like to be approached by guys who don’t know me and who I don’t know. It completely freaks me out.

Seriously…sometimes I feel like a walking train wreck.

Goodnight everybody!

Flesh eating dream

2009-01-12T20:07:00.000-05:00

Today was the first day of a new semester at school. Maybe it was just the reality of getting up early and back in the swing of things, but I felt absolutely exhausted when I got home. To make matter worse I took a short (two hour) nap in the afternoon and dreamed that I had contracted a flesh eating virus and that there was no skin left on my stomach. Before this hideous dream I’m not even sure I knew such a disease existed. Now I feel utterly ill in every possible way. I cannot graphically describe the dream—Stephen King would struggle to give it justice. The feeling of my t-shirt draped across a skinless stomach and gently stroking raw tissue with my every move, is something I will never be able to forget.

I have these dreams sometimes, maybe once a month or once every other month. Vivid dreams that engage all of my senses and burn a place into my memory. They’re so real that I’ve woken up in tears, or sick to my stomach, or both.

According to a dream dictionary I found online, “To see your own stomach in your dream, suggests the beginning of new changes in your life. The dream may highlight your difficulties with accepting these changes. It is also indicative of how you can no longer tolerate or put up with a particular situation, relationship, or person. The stomach is often seen as the center of emotions.” In addition when I looked up flesh I found this, “To dream of flesh being eaten, suggests that you are under tremendous stress and feel drained.”

The problem with these descriptions is that everyone is under stress and upset about something in their life. So this is sort of like those catch all horoscopes that give you a one-size-fits-all future. I am under stress. I’m worried about school and aspects of my personal life. I’ve always been a worrier with a tendency to analyze situations to death. But something about this dream feels like it’s about more than me. So I’ll keep researching.

Happy Trails…

Honesty and Bravery

2009-01-07T23:34:00.000-05:00

I often worry about what to write here. I have so many ideas for this space. I want it to be interesting for anyone who stumbles upon it, funny on occasion, and most of all I want it to be a place for me to be honest with myself. The last goal, honesty, could be its own post. I have some friends who I honestly think would never speak to me again, if they knew everything about my life. Part of turning over a new leaf and trying to better yourself, leaves you vulnerable to looking like a hypocrite. (Of course in that statement, by you I mean me.)

I’m not really turning over a new leaf, I’m going back to my old leaf—or I’m discovering my forever leaf. I’m not really sure, but anyway the metaphor fades.

I’m sick of being such a people pleaser. If I could just gain confidence in who I am and what I believe, I’d be an amazing person. Yet here I sit, hidden in my bedroom writing blog posts that no one will ever read because I’m afraid of what people think.

I want to take every embarrassing moment, every controversial action and sorrowful mistake and wear them like Girl Scout patches—but I’m not brave enough.

If you'll notice, my feet do not touch the ground.

2009-01-05T20:41:00.002-05:00

Walked/jogged 3 miles today. Somewhere around 50 minutes. I've got a long way to go. I wanted to try for distance today and not push myself for speed. Trying to get my body used to the idea of an elevated heart rate for more than ten minutes at a time. Also bought a new calendar, so that I can watch the swiftly fleeting days of my life. I've decided to give up chips, at least until the race. I gave up soda last April and it's been quite successful. Bit by bit I'm attempting to shed pollutants from my life. Attached is a picture of me, at the beach in January. There are some really great things about Florida after all.

10:35

2009-01-04T18:08:00.003-05:00

I did it. I actually went back to the gym today. There's a 5k in March that I'd like to register for, but that's only if I can be sure I won't embarrass myself. My mile time today was 10:35 which is my best time so far. I'm trying to get down under ten minutes. If I can run a 5k in under 30 minutes, I will be thrilled. That's all for now.

If you're in love... Show me.

2009-01-04T01:48:00.002-05:00

I’ve been accused of being unromantic on more than one occasion. Reality is that I am a very romantic person. I’ve had some time to think about it and I believe I’ve come up with a pretty good example of true romance.

The absolute worst day I can imagine—would be the day my mom dies. Even writing that gives me the creeps. I want to back up the cursor and erase that statement and pretend that the idea just doesn’t exist.

What does that have to do with romance? On that terrible day, I hope to have someone in my life who will be able to anticipate my every need. That someone will know that my favorite candies are York Peppermint Patties, Strawberry Twizzlers and Hershey’s Symphony bars. He’ll know that I only listen to James Blunt when I’m depressed. He’ll know that I only watch Garden State when I want to cry.

That someone will know that when I was seven, my mom and I stayed up all night watching Beauty and Beast over and over again. He’ll know that I love the color green. He’ll know that I like to take naps and that I love to wander outside at night and look up at the stars.

True romance is not the wealthy sophisticate showering his betrothed with lavish gifts, or the steamy sexy scenes found in dumb chick flicks.

True romance is being there for your lover and knowing what they need even before they do. It’s putting their needs ahead of your own. Saying “I love you” is one thing, but showing that love is completely different.

Tasting my own medicine

2009-01-03T00:35:00.005-05:00

There is no good place to find the perfect mate. Many singles falsely blame their solitude on their environment. Complaints like, “There just isn’t anyone for me here.” and “I can’t meet anyone here.” are common mantra of the sulky single. They act as if there is some magical watering hole where all of the perfect singles meet. If the sulky single could just find this watering hole, all of his/her problems would be solved. Imagine if Dorothy, who’s house had just landed on the witch, wanted to get a date. Out of nowhere pop dozens of odd little Munchkins to tell her that the only hope for her is a long and dangerous journey to Oz, which is of course where all the good looking people are kept.

This is not Munchkinland and there is no watering hole. The couples who are in disgustingly sweet relationships are in said relationships because one or both of them was brave enough to take the first step.

If now isn’t the right time for romance, or you’re too scared and shy, that’s fine. But please don’t use the old “How can I meet anyone here?” line because it just doesn’t play out.

New Year's Ramblings

2009-01-01T22:46:00.003-05:00

One of my resolutions for this year is to stop dying my hair. Silly? Yes. But at this point I barely recall what my natural hair color is. I noticed this summer that my roots are starting to come in gray. I'd like to enjoy my...was it brown?? Yes, my brown hair before it turns snow white.

On a separate and unrelated note...

I am sick to death of hearing about friends getting married and having babies. I need to start hanging out with younger people. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for my friends who've found love and are starting families. But most of these people went to high school, or even junior high with me and slept over at my house and shared in youthful crazy adventures. It's always a bittersweet feeling to notice the passing of time. Sweet if you're riding the wave, bitter if you're on the shore.

That's all for now, nothing deep.

Bonne Nuit.

Naked.

2008-12-31T00:55:00.002-05:00

I didn't want that sketch to be a greeting for my blog. So I'm using this post to push it down a bit. The drawing is a self portrait that I did a few years ago. I added color to it much later. I never thought I'd show it to anyone, in fact it's been hidden away. But there's something I really like about it. It's raw and it's me at my absolute lowest. The poem accompanying it is a lot more emo than I'd like to present myself. Posting these works on the internet for all to see, makes me feel completely naked.

Glass

2008-12-31T00:23:00.004-05:00

Open the gates and I'll run
I'll sprint to the finish line.

I'll carry my heart cusp in my hands.
Like a child who shows off a firefly.

But the trail of glass cuts at my feet.
Before I've made it far.

Desperate for safety and gasping for air.
I struggle to reach the end.

The heart in my palms starts to rot
the stench is overbearing.

As I look down to nurse it,
a dead rodent I'm carrying.

And my tiny feet are mangled,
replaced with a soul of glass.

Quicker with each painful step,
Choking on poisonous gas.

I drop to the ground in your view.

With tears in my eyes I look up,
and offer my precious gift.

Now it resides in his pocket.
And I wait for the bus to go home.

scooters, vacation, fall

2008-12-30T23:05:00.004-05:00

I am not as brave as I once thought. I've always felt comfortable being funny, or sarcastic, or amusing in some adorable way. I'm also quite capable of being stern, when called for, and taking a stand sparked by anger. But I am entirely unable to be vulnerable. I've never been able to paint, or sculpt, or act or write in anyway that could be judged subjectively by others. At first I thought this was an acceptable flaw in my character. But now I think that this shortcoming leaves a hole in my person. The crux of my point is that our humanity is found within our vulnerability. It's not in who we are at our best or who we are given the time and resources to make an impression. Our character is shown when the car won't start or the plans got canceled. Our humanity comes out only when we think no one else is looking. There are some people who are truly brave. They're constant regardless of who's in the room. Eventually I hope to be that way. Less of a chameleon and more comfortable with every part of my life.

Intimate space

2008-12-30T22:34:00.003-05:00

Cold is the pine park bench beneath my body,
and harsh is earth below it.

Serious was its carpenter,
and with a stern face he worked.

Family to feed, shelter to earn.
Worries built into his creation.

Stress and concerns that seeps from the timber
floats into the evening air.

There I lay on a bench of worry,
occupying a world of hurt.

Just small enough that the bench is a perfect bed,
My feet on the armrest, hands under my head.

In my pine box I barely exist.

If given the chance to shut my eyes
The subtle move would be my demise.

In this spot the earth would consume,
and I would be defeated.

But the view above swallows all pain,
Every hurt muted by the sight.

The stars shine above in a blanket of song.
Music of angels, my heart is made strong.

Under a blanket of comfort I lie,
Humbled by its design I dare not cry.

A selfish act to breath or blink,
I pause while new life is granted.

Brave the world I will tomorrow,
Armed with hope to conquer sorrow.

A sky full of promise to shelter the pain,
each star fuels one effort to try again.

It's been a while now.

2008-06-22T16:09:00.002-04:00

Working out has pretty much gone down the drain. I'm trying to regroup and get back on track. [haha get it? track? sports joke.]

Meanwhile I feel like I'm going through writer's bootcamp. My English course started this week and already I've easily written 2,000 -3,000 words for the class. I've also started writing a play, the details of which are currently top-secret. You can see why keeping up with this blog is going to be difficult. I've also decided to worry a little less about the grammatical structure here. This blog is my playground and it doesn't have to organized or religiously spellchecked.

Meantime, I'd like to ask my petite audience what they think is the most important quality in a leader? Think about horrible bosses, great teachers, or anyone that motivated you at some point. How did they do it? [I'm reading a book on leadership right now, and it's kind of fluff stuff.] Post your responses in comment form. Thanks oddles.

Here's a copy of my first paper. I'm not sure if its technically okay to post this online, but I don't see why it wouldn't be. I wrote it, and here it is for the world to judge:

It was the hottest summer they'd seen in a long time. I could feel the thick layer of sawdust and sweat caked on every fleshy part of my body. Looking back through my shoebox of photos, I've broken the laws of physics. I am in two places at once. Having the judgmental eye of hindsight, I am hit with all of the cliché thoughts about what I was wearing and the how silly my hair looked. I can't help but wonder if my appearance, which I now judge ridiculous, acts as any kind of statement about my so-called "friends" at the time. Who would let me out of the house like that?

And yet, that isn't at all how I felt. I was doing something with my life. I was filling my most basic desire as a human being. This explains why so many other desires went unmet. I had purchased a box of microwavable French bread pizzas to get me through the week. It wasn't until day four that I realized I'd been eating garlic bread for lunch everyday. The oversight didn't bother me. I was fueling myself by other means.

Once in the middle of the night I went out for a walk. I took my camera and along the way, snapped photos of the various sites of interest. The incarnation center, which we lovingly deemed "the incarceration center," stood with the same 1970s pride it had at birth. It was our home—theirs, mine and ours, for the summer. A few miles up the dark country road, was the piano factory. As the mucus membrane of Ivoryton, Connecticut, the factory had long-since been forgotten. It stood in great ruins, beautiful. A bit further up Main Street was the library. Ivoryton library was the converted historic home of one of the town's historic residents. That is to say that both the home and its occupants remember the piano factory fondly. Browsing through the travel section, you may find a picture book on Ivoryton in its golden days, or several aged books on the general continent of Africa. I paused for a moment to consider the global map with only these two destinations. I snapped a photo and continued my journey.

The raccoons were out tonight, rummaging through a single tin can of garbage. I'd never been so close to these animals and I felt my stomach slowly falling to the ground bellow. I was overcome with the guilt of a trespasser. I imagined walking through a famous painting and becoming a nuisance to the painting's subjects. I had entered a world in which I did not belong. I quietly tiptoed away, taking great care not to smudge the scene.

A few moments later and I had arrived at my destination. Streetlights were few and far between. For the most part, the thick black sky remained one solid mass of soft darkness. I looked up to the one bright spot on Main Street. The playhouse had been well cared for over the years, so much so that it no longer fit into its surroundings. The bright bulbs around the front of the building, called out as if to scream that there was life in this sleepy village. I lifted my camera to finish the roll. I took 3 pictures, knowing I could buy a postcard in the lobby. Then I walked to the steps of the theatre and sat down. I looked out to see what the building saw, hoping it could share some stories with me. The view was disappointing. The playhouse deserved better.

A subtle wind blew, or perhaps I'm imagining it. I sat on the theatre steps and I realized that I would not always be in Ivoryton, Connecticut. I wouldn't always be protected by the theatre or the small village I'd come to know so well. I rested my head on the ground and under the theatre lights I absorbed my dollhouse world. I could feel the cells in my body dance. It felt like a family reunion. I felt like I was part of something. I was creating. I was filling a supernatural desire to create and every moment I spent near this theatre was another moment of rejuvenation and fueling for my soul. I was being prepared as an emissary into the world.

Looking back through the blurry pictures of that summer, three years later I'm still searching for that elusive feeling of accomplishment. I left something at that theatre and as I search for it, I hope that somewhere it is also searching for me.

I don't sweat you.

2008-06-18T00:13:00.000-04:00

I am having major punctuation issues tonight. Please forgive the 8th grade writing style that will surely follow.

Topic 1) I'm still anxiously awaiting my accounting grade. Grades were suppose to be posted today but it's almost midnight and nothing is reported as yet.

Topic 2)Grrr. Somehow, I've gained two pounds since the start of my diet and exercise regime. While I'm disappointed, I'm not defeated. I think right now, more than anything, I'm getting my lungs and heart into shape. I'm increasing my stamina and I guess that's just not something that you see immediate physical results from. Anyway more updates to follow.

Topic 3) Francis Chan's video blog. Francis Chan is a minister from California, and he is perhaps the only good thing Cali's got going on these days. [More back story on me: I've never actually spent any time in California, expect visiting an In-'n'-Out burger joint while on a road trip from OR to FL. However, I did have an extremely terrifying dream about CA that left me never ever wanting to go there again. Now let's pick up where we left off...] Francis Chan's message is not popular. He basically says "stop being lame Christians and do what you're actually suppose to do according to the Bible." I've suggested his podcasts to a friend before, and I'm pretty sure that friend of mine completely chickened out. I don't suggest that you blindly accept this guy's opinions, however; I do believe that he is extremely good at provoking thought. If you're not a chicken and can handle a little introspection and criticism, I suggest you check this guy out.

Topic 4) Teaser..."Someone asked me recently why I don't save money for emergencies, or retirement. My answer was how can I justify saving for myself "just in case" something happens to me when something IS happening to so many already." -Francis Chan's videoblog....See? Good stuff.

Topic 5) I forgot what topic five was going to be, but I'll remember and add it later today so I'm leaving space for it here.

Good Night and Good Luck

Hummin'bird

2008-06-15T23:55:00.002-04:00

Con Air is quite possibly the best movie ever. Start to finish, there is nothing better. I think that I could watch this movie 18 million times a day. [I used a very scientific formula to calculate that number.] As I type this I'm watching the movie on what can only be described as a sort of Japanese youtube. I love everything about this movie. Currently they're loading the plane and explaining the past of crimes of each person on board. Cameron Poe's hair is blowing in the wind as he is transported from the bus to the plane, or as he puts it, the "sweet bird of freedom." Who wouldn't love this movie?

2 much 4 1 nite

2008-06-15T00:22:00.001-04:00

I wonder if it's possible not to find your identity in the people around you. By that I mean, I wonder if its possible to create a self image without taking into account the perspectives of others. Can someone be so confident that they truly lose all concern for outside opinions? Once you get to that point, are you self-centered? I'm sure these are not original thoughts, however; they are thoughts that keep me awake on an otherwise peaceful night.

I think time travel would be wasted on the human race. I think we are woeful enough without adding the possibility of changing every silly decision we've ever made. As a controller and planner by nature, I can only imagine the panic attacks time travel could cause someone like me.

I think people misunderstand the concept of opposites. I just looked up the word, and the definition I like the best is this: "situated in pairs on an axis with each member being separated from the other by half the circumference of the axis" Opposites are not separate entities but rather two parts of a whole. Night is not whole in itself, rather its the other side of day. Imagine a cosmos full of coins spinning through space. Day/Night is just one of the coins. What is that coin called? What is the fullness of day and its counterpart? What about the directions up and down? North and south? Halves that make a whole, but what is the name of their whole? I am short, but I'm not the opposite of tall, I'm merely a half of it. Size and direction have no true value. You could say that "I am 5ft tall and the wall is 10ft tall, therefore; the wall and I are of opposite heights, short and tall." However; just as I am a half of the 10ft it takes to make the height of the wall, the wall is also a half of me.

I'm not sure if my argument still holds its point, or if I've crossed the line into needless rambling. Thinking of a black sky filled with coins made up in equal parts of day and night, and of short and tall, and north and south, is enough to fill my imagination for the rest of the evening.

I contemplated deleting all of this, but decided against it. These are the thoughts that fill my mind when it isn't occupied with accounting.

98%

2008-06-14T21:28:00.001-04:00

Up very early. Lots of studying. Made a good grade. Very tired now. Off to read. In the bath. Heart of Darkness.

Monologue forthcoming

2008-06-12T13:42:00.002-04:00

I think the most important job qualification a person can have, is the ability to judge other people. I don't mean judge in the sense of "He's a pool loser." or "She's a dumb blond." Rather, I'm talking about the ability to become a kind of chameleon around certain people, while not losing yourself completely. It's a delicate balance. You can be taught many things in life. You can learn to be a waiter, or an accountant, or a writer. But to truly be successful at these tasks you need to be able to read people.

"Is this publisher a slime ball jerk, who's going to steal from me?"

"Will these people stiff me if I bring their fries back on a separate trip?"

Learning just how much slack people will give you and then always taking just a little less than that amount,is, I think, the key to success. [I have no idea how many commas are actually needed for that statement.]

I say all this because I wish I could learn to read people. I guess it's something that comes with practice.

I think we're alone now.

2008-06-10T22:07:00.002-04:00

After a few days with limited to no exercise, (3 days to be exact) I thought that I had failed my fitness challenge. However, today with new determination, I made an attempt to get back on track. I found an article about water jogging and how it burns about 2x the amount of calories as traditional jogging. So I strapped 3lbs weights around my ankles and jogged in the pool for about 60 minutes.

I wish I had more information to go on because about ten minutes (or less) into the activity, you (meaning me) start to feel like a total goof and wonder if you're doing it right. I was standing on the slope between the 3ft and the 5ft, keeping everything below my chin under water. About twenty minutes into the "workout" it occurred to me that the only people I've ever seen doing water aerobics were seniors and I cannot remember seeing any of them looking particularly fit. More on this later.

I could go on into further detail discussing my workout but it would be incredibly boring for anyone to read. As a basic record of the events:
1 mile walk
20 laps
60 minutes water jogging
20 leg lifts in the water
11:33 mile running time ( I felt like death afterwards...but that 10 minute goal is getting closer every day.)

You might think that reading about someone's workout could be the most boring topic imaginable. You would be wrong. The most boring topic to read/hear about is the description of someone else's nightmares. Once again, I will save you from the details. For the record I will just say that I have been having some seriously frightening dreams lately. Maybe if they continue I'll start to log them, after all no one is forcing you to read this.

Which brings me to another point. Is it egotistical of me to think that I have captured an audience? I've linked my blog to my facebook and so I'd imagine that once or twice a friend, or perhaps a facebook stalker, has checked in on my little corner of the web. If that's the case, if I do have an audience, please utilize the comment feature. Stay anonymous if you prefer, but please feel free to express an opinion on my blogs. Even corrections of my grammatical errors are appreciated, as I'm using this venue as a tool to improve my writing. If no one comments, I will assume I'm in the deep dark shadows of the Internet. My blog will probably become even more boring, with less concern for those who are reading, and it will probably include more mundane details.

This has been a pretty long post so I'll cut it off here.

Until next time.... Bonne nuit et bons rêves.

Forgive me if I stutter.

2008-06-07T22:37:00.001-04:00

Today was a very long day. I had an accounting test to cram for and spent 8am to 10:30pm with my textbook and flashcards. I haven't worked out at all in the past two days. I really wanted to today but I just didn't have the time. While I'm in the confessional, I also ate a lot of raw cookie dough. It was brain food. Tomorrow I'm getting back on task. Only one week left of this course. I got an 86 on the test today, so now there's almost no chance of getting an A in the class. Which means my gpa will drop, but; I think I'm okay with that. I'm sleepy. Going to take a bubble bath, listen to Jack Johnson, Michael Buble and the like, and ease myself to sleep.

Tomorrow...running...swimming..crunching...galore.

Goodnight all.

Breaking the fast

2008-06-04T20:35:00.000-04:00

My facebook fast ends tonight. In fact I will probably sign-in as soon as I've finished typing this post. I think that I've accomplished a lot this week. I exercised every day. I've put together a completed list of the schools I'm going to apply to. [I wish I could think of a way to rearrange that sentence so that it doesn't end in the word "to."] I studied, somewhat. I listened to about 4 hours worth of Joyce Meyer's tapes. I also started a sparkpeople account. Its a little unsettling to think that people can just sign on and see what I'm eating each day and how much I'm exercising each day. However; my worries are put to rest when I think about the reality that I will probably not regularly update my account information. I've linked my page into the sidebar.

Oh and as for the book I'm reading... Katherines... it's not so hot. Granted that it is a juvenile fiction book, but its just too childish. It's light and in the vain of Roma Beasley books, with a bit more profanity and teen angst. Full report when I'm finished.

...off to facebook...

2nd ATTEMPT: RE: Nascar T-shirt Givaway Recipient

2008-06-03T11:10:00.001-04:00

I spent all of yesterday looking at schools. It was an incredibly stressful process. Here's what I'm looking for:

Arts Administration Program
Arts Management Program
Business Management with a minor in Theatre

Any of those will do. I'm also looking for extreme generosity on the part of the institution.

Here's the short list:

Ithaca
DePaul
Purchase
College of Charleston

Aside from financial aid, I'm also looking at credit transferability. I'm stressed because I'm trying to decide what courses to take this fall, based on the programs at these other schools.

OOooooh it's soo annoying. I also just found out that if I get a B in this accounting class, it will actually bring my GPA down.

As for the title of this post. It's based on an email I got. I find several elements of the statement funny, but I'll let you dissect it.

......(The information below is simply some notes on schools. I don't want to lose it, so I'm posting it here.).........

DePaul
GPA: 3.40
SFR: 16:1
FAR: 68
Tuition: 23,820 +9,955+1,000+574=35,349
Giftaid: 13,343

Ithaca
GPA:
SFR:11:1
FAR:81
Tuition: 28,670 + 10,728 + 1,005=40,403
Giftaid: 15,749

College of Charleston
GPA: 3.82
SFR: 13:1
FAR: 75
Tuition: 18,732+8,495+999+2,013+926=31,165
Giftaid: 2944

Berry
GPA: 3.65
SFR: 12:1
FAR:
Tuition: 18,950+ 7,164+ 900=27,014
Giftaid: 12,508

Catawba
GPA: 3.37
SFR: 15:1
FAR: 83
Tuition: 22,290+7,700+800=30,790
Giftaid: 4,422

Facebook Fast

2008-05-31T20:56:00.002-04:00

Day 3

Today flew by. The schedule consisted of accounting, accounting and more accounting. I made a failed attempt to multitask by sitting outside trying to get a tan while using my computer to watch plant asset videos. I got an 86 on my test and still have a little homework to complete before midnight. 3 tests down, only 2 to go. Yay!

I only ran a mile today and I almost didn't get that far. The AC at the gym was up really high and as I ran I couldn't handle breathing the cold air. It felt like I was inhaling smoke. I finished my mile and came home. Hopefully, with the school pressure off my back for a few days, I can get in a longer exercise program tomorrow.

I had an amazing conversation with a friend last night. The subjects included everything from sexuality in the Bible to a debate concerning the old and new covenants. It was like Thanksgiving dinner for the mind. There was so much to chew on.

I found some beautiful verses in the book of Songs... I'll leave you with just a few...

"The kisses of your lips are honey, my love,
every syllable you speak a delicacy to savor."

"His eyes are like doves, soft and bright,
but deep-set, brimming with meaning, like wells of water."

"Love is invincible facing danger and death.
Passion laughs at the terrors of hell.
The fire of love stops at nothing—
it sweeps everything before it.
Flood waters can't drown love,
torrents of rain can't put it out.
Love can't be bought, love can't be sold—
it's not to be found in the marketplace."

12:26

2008-05-30T18:21:00.000-04:00

I am a big sticky sweaty mess of wahoo cheer right now. I just got back from the gym and most likely by the time I finish typing this my legs will not allow me to stand up and walk to the shower.

I ran a 12:26 mile and then cycled [Is it biked or cycled?] 5.5 miles. Then get this, I got back on the treadmill of doom and conquered that thing again! 13:03 that time. I probably could have gone faster however; dazed by my adrenaline I mistakenly set the incline to 5.0 rather than my default 0.5 and I ran the whole first lap up a relatively steep hill.

So to those who subtly suggested that I might not actually go to the gym today...Eat my shorts. :)

Now the sweat is cooling off into just a nasty sticky film... I must find a shower and quickly.

...Oh and I started Katherines...pretty good so far.

All Creatures Great and Small

2008-05-30T10:05:00.002-04:00

Mahalo,

I recently finished reading All Creature Great and Small by James Herriot. It took me almost a month to read, proving once again that I am possibly the slowest reader in the world. Dyslexia and laziness could share equally in the blame.

The book is about a country vet pre-WWII. It's very British, filled with meat pies and teas. Each chapter is a short story and there are almost 70 chapters. I think this contributed to the length of time it took to read. I would read an 8 page chapter and put the book down for the day. There was no compelling reason to continue reading, aside from the cute short stories. It's based on the life of the author and I think that added to its cuteness. [Sorry to continually use "cuteness" as a quality, I'm at a loss for other words.] Cows giving birth, sick horses, angry farmers, an excentric boss, and a little bit of a love story thrown in at the end. I would compare this book to Anne of Green Gables. I think it fits in that family of literature quite nicely.

Today I'm starting, An Abundance of Katherines. Okay. Yes. I did pick it for the name, but it looks like an interesting book. It's written by John Green and I'll tell you what its about when I'm finished. John Green is a nerd fighter. (link in the side bar -->)

As I write this I'm listening to CNN report on the crane accident in NYC. Didn't this just happen? I hope no one was hurt. I hope no one I know was hurt. [Is that selfish?] NYC is such a great place, I've only been twice but I can't wait to visit again.

Also I am terribly sore from yesterday. I reached up for my Special K with fruit and yogurt this morning and my side ached. I guess that good. It means I'm working something. Here's a question for anyone reading this, do I work through it or do I skip a day and wait til tomorrow? It's not unbearable, just a noticeable tenderness.

Today's to do list:

*Accounting homework (Test tomorrow)
*Laundry
*Gym?
*Read Katherines
*Continue listening to my Joyce Meyer's tape series titled "Be anxious for nothing" wherein she yells at you continually in a high pitched southern voice about how you're worrying too much. Usually she's right, but her tactics aren't great.
*Clean my bathroom which has become a disgusting mess littered with hair products I never ever use, trash can overflowing with Gatorade bottles, make-up, toothpaste stained sink, and laundry all over the floor.
*Try not to think about facebook.

Have a fantastic day!

Jacob and Rachel

2008-05-29T20:24:00.003-04:00

Day 1 without facebook.

I just got back from the gym, where I cut my mile time by over a minute. I went from 14:30 to 13:13. I had horrible stomach pains right after, which I guess is good because it means that I'm really pushing myself. My brother ran track in high school and I remember him telling me that during a race he pushed himself so hard that he puked and then proceeded to run through it. I didn't puke. I just walked another lap and a half and went home.

I also spent part of the day listening to sermons/lectures on tape and researching the story of Jacob and Rachel. I've linked a good website in the sidebar, and while I don't agree with the author's interpretation of all of the events, he did make some excellent points. Here's a few of the lines that stood out to me:

"To profess to love someone we do not know intimately is merely to love our mental image of that person. And if he does not measure up to our mental image, then our so-called “love” turns to disillusionment and resentment, and sometimes to hatred."

"Infatuation is usually in a hurry because it is self-centered. It says, “I feel good when I am with you, so I want to hurry up and get you to the altar before I lose you and lose these good feelings.” Love says, “Your happiness is what I want most of all, and I am willing to wait, if need be, to be sure this is what is best for you.” And if it is real, it will stand the test of time. Jacob waited, and his romantic love at first sight grew to become a deep bond of spirit and a total commitment of soul."

The telling of the story is beatiful and contemporary. Like I said, link in the sidebar. -->

2008-05-29T09:10:00.003-04:00

Good morning angels,

For those who are unaware, I am currently taking an accelerated financial accounting course online. It is the bane of my existence. [This is off topic but I wonder if anyone has ever used the word "bane" outside of the phrase "bane of my existence." If so, I've never read nor heard it.] The course is 7 weeks and I have about 3 weeks left. I will be so happy once it's over.

On a related note, my room has never been cleaner. I'm also reading more books and working out and finding a multitude of projects to occupy my time, rather than study for financial accounting.

I've been thinking about this for a while and in an effort to stay goal-oriented I've decided to give up facebook. I'm not sure for how long, a week maybe? We'll see.

It's come to my attention that I spend and absurd amount of time each day, checking to see who's online, who's written on my wall, and what new pictures my friends have posted. Instead I'm going to spend a few minutes each day posting here and then I'm going to get down to business. I don't think I've listed them before so here they are in no particular order, my short-term goals:

*Read more --Vague, I know, but I have an ever-growing reading list.
*Finish my current course with a B or better-- A boost to my GPA, which will hopefully help with scholarship funds.
*Lose weight and gain muscle and energy.
*Research universities with Arts Management/Arts Administration programs.
*Spend more time in prayer and meditation each day.
*Stop biting my nails.

So hopefully I won't suffer from facebook withdrawal. For those interested here's a list of long-term goals which I'm sure will be revamped several times in the future.

*Graduate college
*Move up north
*Study-abroad
*Become fluent in French
*Manage a theatre, or at least a box office
*Have another experience like summerstock
*Obtain a Bergamasco, possibly the coolest dogs in the world.
*Be able to provide substantial loan amounts to Kiva.org
*Get married...eventually.
*Take singing lessons
*Take dance lessons
*Go snowboarding
*Do some charitable work within the US
*Sponsor a Watoto
*Become a mom and name my children Natalie, Charlotte, Aidan, and/or Caleb.

...and because I can't think of a witty way to end this post...

Peace out, homeslices.

Soar Monkees

2008-05-27T12:59:00.002-04:00

About six months ago I bought a stability ball for around $10 from walmart. I used it exactly once. The DVD I got with it was horrible. Since then I've been using it as a computer chair. I thought at the very least it could help with my posture.

Now that I'm on this exercise kick, I looked on youtube and found some workouts with the ball. Sparkpeople has a 15 minute workout that's really good for beginners. The first day I tried it, it was difficult but I could do it. The second day I was a little sore, but I could still do it. Today was the third day and I was so sore I had to skip out on some of it. There's one movement where you lay on your side with the ball between your legs and lift you hips up. Watch the video and you'll see what I mean. It's insanely difficult. Also push-ups on a ball are absurdly difficult.

I'm sure that going to the gym has aided in my incredible soreness. I'm trying to be able to run a mile on the treadmill without slowing down to a jog. Right now rotate; jog a lap, then run a lap. I've also been biking about 4 or 5 miles each day.

The worst part about all this is trying to stay hydrated. I always have a water bottle with me and I find that I have to pee a million times a day now.

But this post is not all about fitness.

It's come to my attention that some people reading this might not understand the title of the blog.

Let me take you back to middle school. Your sitting in homeroom when someone turns to you and says "Hey, someone wrote gullible on the ceiling." or "Hey, your shoes are untied." or a plethora of other "Hey's" Then you look up and they yell something truly inspired "Sike! Monkeys always look!"

So this blog is titled in response to the stupid comment, "Monkeys always look." All animals look. Also I'm pretty sure monkeys don't ALWAYS look. Why not, "Giraffes always eat!" or "Kangaroos always poop!" Either of those taunts would make about as much sense as "Monkeys always look!" Just imagine being in a public restroom, and hearing someone shout "HEY! Kangaroos always poop!"

Also its one word because I thought it would look cooler that way.

The link for the sparkpeople video is in the sidebar.

Keeping with the true spirit of middle school...

H.A.G.S.

2008-05-25T12:49:00.001-04:00

I hesitate discussing weight, diet, or exercise in this forum. I fear some after school drama-seeking teen will stumble across this page and walk away with the idea that they need to lose half their body weight. I'd hate for my words to catapult someone, albeit a dumb someone, into an unhealthy lifestyle. That said, read on only if you don't fit the description above.

When I was 13 I could eat two family sized bags of salt and vinegar chips within a week. I drank soda and ate pizza and goldfish crackers and white bread sandwiches with miracle whip and coffee flavored ice cream. I still love all of those things but somewhere between 13 and 22 my metabolism caught up with me. In high school was 5'0 and I weighted about 120. I wasn't the three letter f-word but I wasn't skin and bones. I never got into any sports, I hate running and all sports involve running.

This week I started going to the gym. I'm logging my workouts on a facebook application. I bought a scale that shows body fat percentage and hydration levels. The best change I've made so far is giving up coke. Its hard to tell how much I used to drink but I'd say at least 4 to 6 cans worth a day. I hate going out to eat and having that soda glass continually refilled, until by the time you're finished with your meal you've easily consumed 6 glasses. Annoying, isn't it? It's been 25 days without soda so far. It wasn't that difficult and I really do feel better. I wont link it here but if you're interested, go and google the effects of coke on your body. They're about as bad as you would expect them to be.

Why am I posting this on here? I'm leaving all this on here so that I'll be made accountable for my exercise routine. Aside from the health benefits, I'm using this experience to teach myself discipline.

My goal is to lose between 6-10 pounds in five weeks and tone up my arms and abs.

Creative workouts and other suggestions would be appreciated.

DFTBA

hagiography

2008-05-24T12:27:00.001-04:00

Most people call me Katherine, some also call me Kat. I got sick of people asking me for a nickname. Frequently I've encountered situations like this:

"What's your name?"
"Katherine."
"Okay and what do you go by?"
"What?"
"What do you prefer to be called?"
"Katherine."
"Do you have any nicknames?"
"No."
"What about Kathy? Katie? Kate? Kat?"
"Kat."
"Okay great. Everyone this is Kat."
"How do you spell that?"

That was probably the worst name I could have accepted because from that point on, upon being introduced as Kat, witty people everywhere would meow at me and smile like some creepy Saturday Night Live character. What was his name? Oh yeah, the ladies man. Yuck.

My life is pretty good. I've had many exciting adventures. Middle school, high school, summer stock, traveling with the circus, now I'm adding college to the list. I know what you're thinking, you're thinking "KatherineKatieKatKathyKate, what about elementary school?" Well thank you for asking but those days were not quite as adventurous. Rather dull, actually.

I live in the sunny state of Florida and sometimes I like it and sometimes I hate it. I can't honestly say that I've ever loved it. The perks of course are the weather and the cheap cost of school. There are many downsides [what's a good word for the opposite of perks?] not the least of which include the tourists, the hot summers, the humidity, the traffic no matter what time of day it is, the lack of exciting places to go and things to do, and the lines at superwalmart even at 3 in the morning.

That's me to this point. There's a slice of back story pie and if you'd like seconds read on. I'll be generous with the cool whip.