Stuck

Lately I’ve been completely overwhelmed with projects, but tonight things changed a bit. I got started on my math homework early and I finished a ridiculous assignment for my speech class. Now that I feel like I’m getting ahead of the game a little, the pressure is dying off. It’s so much nicer to feel in control of one’s life.

Today I grabbed my keys and went out for a drive. I didn’t really have any destination. I wandered around a bookstore, a craft store and Bed, Bath and Beyond. I hate BB&B. I don’t think I’ve ever bought anything there. I go in, I walk their loop and then I leave. This time two managers followed me around the store and kept shouting at me from different places, “HELLO!” and “HAVE A NICE AFTERNOON!” and when I finally reached the exit and it was obvious that I wasn’t going to buy anything, the guy followed me almost out the door and said “Can I help you find something?” Buddy…I’m at the door… it’s a little late for that.

If you can’t tell from that story…I’ve been in a pretty bad mood lately. Not really sure why, lots of reasons come to mind.

Anyway I kept driving and a terrific thunderstorm appeared out of nowhere. It’s been a while since I’ve seen lighting like that. So magnificent. It looks, for a split second, as if the sky has a huge rip down its canvas. The heavens illuminate the tear, just for a moment and then it’s gone. It’s stitched back up with dark clouds.

Then I went and got sushi and green tea and came home with a terrible head ache to a mountain of school work which I’ve barely crawled out from under.

I’m tired. The academic world seems to make a point of sucking all of the creativity out of a person. I miss writing about thunderstorms. I miss watching movies and reading newspapers. I really miss bubble baths and candles and soft pajamas and clear skin and delicate lighting. I miss just being able to relax. I miss being able to pick up a novel and not feel like I was procrastinating something more important.

I’m tired of sacrificing happiness to the almighty GPA deity. I want to go outside in the middle of the night with a thermos and a notebook and watch the stars.

Am I being overly dramatic? Probably. But I’m tired. I miss nesting. I miss the red stuff. I miss big comfy t-shirts and mountains of soft blankets. I miss all the good stuff. I miss having enough hours in day. I want to go camping. I really want to “get away from it all.” I’ve never actually been camping. But it sounds perfect right now.

"Marvelous things will happen."

This is going to be a fantastic year!

That said...I'm now going back to rereading The Time Traveler's Wife. It's such a good book.

Comfortable...

I hate expressing how out of control I feel. I have no idea where my life is going. I’m scared and stressed. I am a hocked-up hairball of tangled emotional turmoil. On nights like tonight, all I want to do is crawl back. Like an addict, there are nights when I just want to light up once more. I’m smart enough to realize that this is only a temporary fix; right now the temporary seems more important than the permanent and the word “fix” is poetic.

The fix is seductive. Ignorance is Utopian. Yet the withdrawal is a painful sting. So I summarize by saying that I am tired. I am tired. I’m tired of laboring. I just want the kind of rest I’ve only found in one place. I want the peace I’ve only attained in the middle of the lion’s den. Sometimes I need a retreat from my own thoughts. I’m tired.

Keep moving forward

I wish that I could write something hilarious here but lately I just don’t have it in me. I’m completely exhausted. Days and weeks are flying by and there doesn’t seem to be enough time to get everything done.

I’m improving every aspect of my life—and that in itself can be rather tiring. I got into Phi Theta Kappa, the honors society at school. I’m applying to universities, although I might not go for a while depending on the cost. I’ve made lifestyle changes with regard to my diet and my spiritual life. Also I’ve come to realize that my youth is in it’s sunset years and that I need to make the most of this time with my family, especially my brothers and sisters.

I’m reading more, I’m sleeping less…all in all…I feel like I’m morphing into a grownup. It’s a surreal experience and it’s quite exhausting. On days like today, only one thing keeps me going…

“It ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward…how much you can take…and keep moving forward.” –Rocky Balboa

Aren’t there just days where you desperately want your life to fast forward five years? Today is one of those days. I have too many projects going on in school. I’ve got too much going on in life. I just want to skip ahead.

How Bizzare...

I had a dream last night that was incredibly weird. There were two guys and one of them held my hand and I rested my head on his shoulder and we watched as some kid got beaten up in front of us. Then there was another guy who was on roller skates and he came out of no where to rescue the kid. I remember yelling to the guy on roller skates to save the poor kid, and I felt myself pulling away from the guy I was with, but at the end of the dream I was still holding his hand. More than anything else in the dream I remember how soft and wonderful it was to rest my head on his shoulder.

This is all very weird considering that normally I would hope that I would pick the guy who was doing the right thing over the guy who was soft and cuddly. But the guy on roller skates was really hard to follow, he was flying all over the place.

Annnyway…the end of the dream involved the soft and cuddly guy having surgery after a really bad car accident. Not sure what the moral of the story is…?

I should have paid more attention in Hebrew class.

I don’t even know what to write about tonight. In a rare turn of events I’ve ended up alone at home on a Saturday night. The house is way too quiet and I have a terrible sun burn from falling asleep by the pool earlier today.

I wonder why no one has ever done a sermon on loneliness. It’s not like the Bible doesn’t talk about it, and it’s not like everyone doesn’t at some point experience it. So why are none of the Church leaders addressing it?

Tonight I think I’ll tackle that topic. This is going to be a pretty informal post. I’ll be doing research and using this as sort of a collection of notes on the subject. I’m not sure how cohesive this will end up being, so be forewarned it might get tangled. Biblegateway.com here I come.

“The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."- Gen 2:18

This is the first time God says that something is not good. If any woman reading the Bible ever needed a “woman power” type moment, I would say this is it. Without women, man’s life is “not good.” That’s a pretty strong affirmation from God.

In fact according to crosswalk.com’s lexicon, the Hebrew word used in this verse is “bd” which is pronounced literally as “bad.” It’s definition means “alone” or “separation” but it can also mean “a part of.” This is such an amazing concept to me. It’s like God made man and thought something along the lines of… “Wait…this isn’t good…he isn’t finished yet.” The same word is used to describe the parts of the temple (Exodus 36: 16) and the individual tribes of Israel (Zec 12:13). That’s the kind of “alone” God meant in Gen. 2:18. He meant that man was incomplete, a part of a whole.

The same Hebrew word is used in Gen. 32:24,

“So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak.”

This one is interesting to me because I’ve never fully understood what went on between God and Jacob when they wrestled. The context is essentially that Jacob had just sent his wives and servants in separate directions, breaking them into two groups before his reunion with Esau. The verse says “So Jacob was left alone,” and then goes on to talk about a literal wrestling match with God. Jacob comes out of the encounter injured but blessed. So I guess maybe this means that sometimes in our loneliness, we will encounter a struggle but that with persistence it’s possible to use this time to be blessed.


I meant to write more on this subject but I got distracted by an amazing phone conversation on the topic and now I’m even more confused that I was to begin with. I’ll probably post a part two on this topic sometime soon.
Anyway, good night all!

Emotional baggage

Today I read the testimony of a friend and it had a huge impact on me. First of all I was saddened because he went through some really tough times. But more than that I felt completely disgusted with myself because I knew him while he was struggling, only at that time in my life I was so self-absorbed that I never noticed his pain.

When it comes to my personal testimony, I have to be honest and say that I’ve never really given the whole thing to anyone. There are a lot of skeletons in my closet and I was raised to believe that you don’t rehash old wounds. Basically you forgive and forget and you don’t bring up things that have hurt you. You especially don’t bring up anything that would make the family look bad. Sometimes this makes me feel like a hypocrite because even my closest friends don’t know everything that I’ve gone through.

No one is ever going to ask you, “Hey did you ever experience suffering?” Never in my life have I heard someone ask that question. I suppose if someone asked me I’d tell them all that I’ve been through, but the problem is that we don’t ask each other. We just assume that we are the only ones that are hurting. That’s how it was years ago, when I saw a close friend everyday and enjoyed his company so much, but never stopped to ask, “Are you okay?”

I let him down and that makes me feel totally disappointed with myself. But how many other people in my life are struggling? How many people do I walk past everyday, who are hurting and need someone to comfort them?

I guess this is where God comes in. I guess this is where a person has to have faith that God is in control. Tonight my prayer is that I can learn to be more receptive to people’s suffering and to be less concerned with my own problems.