Stuck

Lately I’ve been completely overwhelmed with projects, but tonight things changed a bit. I got started on my math homework early and I finished a ridiculous assignment for my speech class. Now that I feel like I’m getting ahead of the game a little, the pressure is dying off. It’s so much nicer to feel in control of one’s life.

Today I grabbed my keys and went out for a drive. I didn’t really have any destination. I wandered around a bookstore, a craft store and Bed, Bath and Beyond. I hate BB&B. I don’t think I’ve ever bought anything there. I go in, I walk their loop and then I leave. This time two managers followed me around the store and kept shouting at me from different places, “HELLO!” and “HAVE A NICE AFTERNOON!” and when I finally reached the exit and it was obvious that I wasn’t going to buy anything, the guy followed me almost out the door and said “Can I help you find something?” Buddy…I’m at the door… it’s a little late for that.

If you can’t tell from that story…I’ve been in a pretty bad mood lately. Not really sure why, lots of reasons come to mind.

Anyway I kept driving and a terrific thunderstorm appeared out of nowhere. It’s been a while since I’ve seen lighting like that. So magnificent. It looks, for a split second, as if the sky has a huge rip down its canvas. The heavens illuminate the tear, just for a moment and then it’s gone. It’s stitched back up with dark clouds.

Then I went and got sushi and green tea and came home with a terrible head ache to a mountain of school work which I’ve barely crawled out from under.

I’m tired. The academic world seems to make a point of sucking all of the creativity out of a person. I miss writing about thunderstorms. I miss watching movies and reading newspapers. I really miss bubble baths and candles and soft pajamas and clear skin and delicate lighting. I miss just being able to relax. I miss being able to pick up a novel and not feel like I was procrastinating something more important.

I’m tired of sacrificing happiness to the almighty GPA deity. I want to go outside in the middle of the night with a thermos and a notebook and watch the stars.

Am I being overly dramatic? Probably. But I’m tired. I miss nesting. I miss the red stuff. I miss big comfy t-shirts and mountains of soft blankets. I miss all the good stuff. I miss having enough hours in day. I want to go camping. I really want to “get away from it all.” I’ve never actually been camping. But it sounds perfect right now.