Hiding

Is anything too personal to post here? I struggle with that question a lot. I didn’t post anything last month and I’ve written very little all summer. It’s easy to write about things that aren’t really important. It’s especially easy to use the internet to complain.

I’m sure that everyone must have some personal thoughts, of which they are especially protective. So we build a warm little nest and hide away our secrets, keeping them safe from criticism and scrutiny. The instinct of hiding is something based totally in fear. After Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden, they literally went into hiding. They hid because they had done something wrong and they were afraid of the inevitable consequences.

I have nothing to hide from because I have done nothing wrong. Sometimes the words I post here are a bit embarrassing or sound silly but I’m going to keep posting them. Organizing my thoughts in black and white helps me to realize what is important in my life.

I spent the day with Rachel and Caroline and David. Caroline has the most sincere laugh and when she laughs it reminds me of the little girl she used to be, her face lights up. I love to make her laugh. Rachel seems like she’s hurting. I don’t know how I’ve missed it but she is going through a rough spot. Today was totally different. Today she could sit on the floor of a bookstore and plan a trip to Ireland with her sisters. She was a completely different person and seeing her in that light made me wish that she and I could find a way to have less pressured days. I don’t like fighting with her.

I don’t like fighting with anyone. I always take the words people say in the strongest possible sense. I never allow people to blow off stem. If something cross is said to me, it sticks with me forever. I let words shatter me. I need to work on this because it makes it impossible for the people around me to get upset with me. It’s taken me 23 years to figure this out. I hope it doesn’t take another 23 years for me to learn to how to let words roll off my shoulder.
Update:

David is amazing. He is the most caring person I’ve ever met. He calls me “beautiful” rather than “sexy.” He makes me feel cherished rather than cheap. I’ve never had a conversation with him that I would be embarrassed to have in front of my parents. He puts absolutely no pressure on me. He’s never stressed or bothered. There’s nothing I can say to him to shock him or scare him away. I am so happy and relaxed with him. All I want is to give him back ten times what he has given me. “8 days a week is not enough to show I care.” On top of all that, I think he’s gorgeous.

And with all that said...I'm off to empty the dishwasher.

The post with no title

Lots of time goes by between my posts lately. That's because this summer has been going by quickly and every day seems to be packed with projects and activities.

I've said it before and I think it holds true that I really only write here when I'm bored or upset. I'd like to change that but anything upbeat sounds silly and goes unfinished or gets deleted. People often say that it's easier to be angry than sad. When you're angry you feel powerful but when you're sad you just feel empty and weak.

Something about writing here makes me feel vulnerable. I don't know who is reading this and I don't know how they will interpret my words. It's easier to feel powerful and protected when I write with a hint of sarcasm or when I distance myself from the subject I'm writing about.

Here's the unprotected and honest post about what's been going on in my life this summer. I'll try to compose it all into a 'best of' type essay for all the posts I've started to write and all the posts I've deleted.

I'm a bit freaked out about money right now. It's not that I have many expenses, its more that I just don't feel good about myself for not earning anything. I rely on other people a lot. I'd like to change this before school starts up in the fall. I want to take on more financial responsibility. Boring? Yes. But these are the thoughts that keep me up at night and somehow writing them down forces me to realize how silly they sound or perhaps how valid.

I'm dating someone and even though he's been a huge part of my summer, I've avoided writing anything about our relationship. We've been dating for about 6 weeks. What I find most attractive about him is that he is dependable and calm. I've been rushing around trying to find out everything about him, almost like pushing the fast forward button to see where this is going to lead before I get too attached. The truth is there's no way to stop yourself from getting "too attached." He is extremely patient with my impatience and that's very comforting. He's also very attentive. He acts like everything I say is important and everything I do is somehow quite meaningful. He doesn't take me for granted but tells me often how much he appreciates me. Basically, he's a good guy and I need to relax and stop looking for trouble. I care about him a lot but I'm still fighting off nervousness and the fear of being disappointed.



I'm counting the days until school starts. I'm actually pretty excited to be going back and getting back to a regular schedule. It will be nice to feel like I'm working towards something again. Taking the summer off has been fantastic, but I feel like a lush and I need something to force me to be productive.

Those are my deep and personal thoughts. In other, more superficial news, my list of items I'd like to save up for is getting longer all the time.

Right now the list includes:

A pink laptop for school
A DSi because they look so cool.
A subscription to ZunePass.

Also need to pay off my credit card and go clothes shopping and budget for a trip north for a wedding in the fall. Then it's Christmas time and I'm already excitedly planning for that.

Short and Sweet

My last post was a bit depressing. I find that most of the time when I write here, it’s because I need to vent. I’m usually stressed or depressed or bored or lonely. This creates a terrible journal of my life. So to counter some of the rants and complaints in my previous post, I’ve decided to make this post about all the positives in my life right now.

I’ve been volunteering a lot at church this summer. Sometimes the events are overwhelmingly disorganized, but usually they’re fun. When they’re bad, I just end up with funny stories.

As far as school goes, at first I was really disappointed that I wouldn’t be going to UCF this fall. I’m registered at Valencia again for the fall semester. I’m taking a computer class, astronomy, biology and Spanish. The computer class is a short semester and the science classes are online. This will leave me a lot of time to spend with family and friends, so in the end I think it all works out for the best.

It’s already the end of June and we haven’t had any hurricanes! *fingers crossed for the rest of the season* We’ve been having amazing thunderstorms and beautiful sunsets. In the evenings I’ve been taking Gabriel for walks around the neighborhood to tire him out for bed. It’s really easy to take the weather here for granted. When every day is beautiful, you tend to ignore the beauty. Earlier this week we saw the most incredible rainbow.

Caroline’s birthday was last week and Audrey’s is this week. We’re going to the movies on Wednesday with a bunch of friends and Father Hector!

Saturday is the 4th and we’re going to see the fireworks and listen to music and wander around Celebration. I haven’t figured out yet if the party is 1940s themed or 1970s themed. Hopefully that will get cleared up before Saturday!
Anyway I’m off to another church event. Have a wonderful day!

Xoxo,
me

Apparently mouse trails is for squares...

Sometimes life can be extremely overwhelming. This is my coping mechanism for stress. We’ll call it “Sleeping Beauty Syndrome.” When my life turns to chaos, I immediately jump into bed. Occasionally I can muster the strength for a bubble bath and soft music, but that’s only if I’m feeling up to the challenge. Lately, I’ve been sleeping a lot.

I caught some upper respiratory infection about a week ago. Everything has since cleared up, except for a hideous dry cough. It makes me sound like I’ve been chain smoking for 30 years. It’s like a tiny little man is inside my throat tickling me with a feather every time I inhale or exhale and he won’t go away.

On top of that, I recently found out that UCF won’t accept me for the fall. They’ve deferred their decision until I get my Associate’s degree. This means another seven classes and two semesters at Valencia. I just want to be finished with school already. Every time I think I’m getting close, something comes and slams me back down again. I’m 3 or 4 years older than most of the students, and that in itself is discouraging.

Earlier this week my grandmother came to visit. She stayed in my room, which meant that with this hideous cough I was “sleeping” on the floor in my sister’s room. I barely saw her while she was here, which was okay because generally she’s rude and hurtful. She ended up fighting with my dad and left early.

I’ve been to the doctor twice this month. The first visit was for blood work, the second was for the results. I hate doctors. You walk in, tell them your most embarrassing health concerns and then they act like it’s nothing. I’ve got a seriously stupid and embarrassing problem that is stressing me out beyond belief. Unfortunately they don’t really know what causes my body to act the way it does. I’ve tried a million treatments, and nothing works. Today at the doctor’s office my blood work came back normal, which is great, I suppose, except it still means that they have no idea why my body is doing what it’s doing. Needless to say this is stressing me out and causing me to run for my soft comfy bed.

So basically I’ve been having a tough week. To add to my stress, there’s someone, who I’m confident will be reading this, who won’t take no for an answer. 4 years ago I made a huge mistake, and now every so often that mistake continues to be show up in my life. It’s not so much the person that bothers me, I understand where he’s coming from and my heart goes out to him. I’m just sick of being damaged. So if you’re reading this, please respect my answer.

Drama so thick you could cut it with a knife. It’s enough to make me crawl under the covers and not come out for a month.

The silver lining in all this is that I’ve met someone who seems to always put a smile on my face. Misty the Border Collie is just about the sweetest dog imaginable. Her owner isn’t too bad either.

Bliss

Take me down to the garden
Let me lay with you
Hold my hand and
Don't let go
If you feel like kissing me
Do
Now there's butterflies in me baby
And I just don't know what to do
You could stand up straight
You could be the best of my dates
But I still wouldn’t see you for I
cannot give you my love.

'These Roses'- Gin Wigmore

I wish that all my dreams were this interesting...

So it was a cross between Dr. Dolittle and the Lion King. It took place in the 19th century. I was negotiating a hostage situation involving an enormous pack of lions (hundreds). The pack was being held by a gang of poachers. Who were slow and methodically killing off the animals and eating them.

There was lots of running involved. First I'd talk to the poachers, then I'd run across what seemed like an old western town, to talk to some young weird guy. His room was cluttered with stuff. Maybe he was a doctor or an inventor, I don't really know. On my third trip out to his "house" he unrolled this huge canvas. On it, he'd painted an amazing picture of the two of us standing in his house. It looked like something out of little house on the prairie.

Awesome clothes. No idea what happened to the lions.


Also, I cannot express how deeply I would like to live on a houseboat. At the moment I know absolutely nothing about sailing, however.

I'm all about emo music these days...

I got my grades back for the semester, 4 A's and a B. Not that I'm bragging. :) Now I just have to get my transcripts sent off to UCF.